...and I don't even know it!

Baby F has been miserably down and out these past few days. He is very clingy and only mama will do - no one else. In the past when my young ones had been this way I would love on them but not be as present as I should have been, thinking too much of things I felt I should be doing - things that really can wait like dishes, laundry, and blog posts to name a few. In reality though, these are some of the best days of my life and I don't even know it! Time is such a cruel thief. In just a few short years my baby will be too big to wear in a carrier or sleep on my chest all day. I'll be reminiscing about days such as these and wanting them back. So I am going to take the time to savor these moments. I'm going to spend all day in bed cuddling with my sick baby instead of fretting over everything I should be doing. I am going to listen to his little heartbeat and tiny breaths instead of concerning myself with my growling stomach. I am making memories with my baby, and as I have learned the hard way, babies don't keep!

...and I don't even know it!

Out of the fog

I am slowly coming out of the fog that took over last week. I was hit hard with the flu and it kept me down for a couple of days. Mamas are not supposed to get sick - isn't that some written law somewhere?! We don't have time for these silly set backs. I haven't had the flu since I was a child and I honestly forgot how rough it is. Perhaps this was to develop my empathy a bit further for the next time my children or Kevin get sick. Well, consider it duly noted. This also reminded I need to work on taking better care of myself. I had been staying up far too late and trying to accomplish far more than I am capable of, wearing my immune system thin. Learn from me and please do take good care!

p.s. - To the woman who came over to me after Mass today, pointing to each one of my children, counting aloud as you gave a sweet but astonished look when you exclaimed, "Four!" and then turned to me and said, "You look far too young to have a child that old (nodding to K), let alone four children!" - Thank you! Your words were just what this ancient feeling, worn mama needed.

Out of the fog

Clarity

You know those days when nothing seems to go right? When your children bicker endlessly, you're after them all day with the simple task of hanging up a towel, your cat misses the litter pan and your baby won't sleep? The kind of days that make you question your choices as a parent and have you wondering where did I go wrong? Yeah, today was one of those days. No, scratch that. This weekend was an extended version of one of those days. But then, just when I think I am at the end of my rope and one of my children proclaims that they just need time away from all siblings, I see my precious baby smile when I look at him. I see one child selflessly offer up the last two popsicles, even though that child was the one asking for a popsicle in the first place. I see a note written in cursive on the board from one child to another (and her cursive blew me away). I see the very same child that proclaimed a need to be alone snuggled up reading books to both of her siblings instead.

Then I exhale and remember - God only gives us as much as we can handle. Even if those moments are fleeting and everything goes right back to the chaos it was before, I can see the beauty and goodness with clarity and I know that everything is going to be okay.

Clarity

(un)grateful

I have been hesitant to even try posting what I am about to say as it is a sensitive topic and I am not exactly sure how to approach it, nor can I seem to articulate the emotions I am feeling. But it is something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now and I am hoping that my sharing might help others who are going through what I am. I know there are quite a few out there, some of them my own dear friends. I just want you to know you are not alone.

So here goes.

I have always envisioned myself having a large family. Five little souls seemed like a good starting point to me. As a teenager I would surround myself with children by volunteering for children's story time every week at the local bookstore near where I lived in California. I absolutely adored each and every one of those kids that would come and see me week after week. After that I had the opportunity to nanny the sweetest three year old boy for many months. I can still see him hanging on to my neck as we hiked up in the mountains, something we did almost daily (unless the beach called us instead). I treasure those memories as they helped me to realize that being a Mama was my calling.

As each one of my own children came into my life, the desire to have a large family became even stronger. My heart would grow bigger with each birth, far beyond what I thought I was ever humanly capable of and I knew it would just continue to grow. And then the gift of watching the siblings interact, quarrel (then learn and grow from the quarreling), and love one another would just expand my heart even more. I truly understood that children are a gift.

But it has been five years now since I was pregnant with Little L. The largest gap we have ever had between children. The hope and despair month after month has begun to really take it's toll on me. What if this is it for me and the path I dreamed of is not to be realized?

I feel horribly guilty about feeling sad. Who am I to be depressed over not having more babies when there are others out there who struggle to have their first and I already have three amazing blessings who fill me with endless joy everyday? I sound selfish and ungrateful, I know I do. Yet my heart still aches.

Emotional triggers seem to be everywhere for me. I am always extremely happy for others when they share the good news that they are expecting but I do admit I also get a small pain in my heart, wishing it was me. I have learned to take breaks from some of my favorite blogs (all of which are about large families) if I am feeling especially down.

My girls are constantly asking when we will have another baby. They both love doting on them so, even stranger's babies. A few weeks back K actually told me that she doesn't think it's going to happen any longer. Her grief seemed to be a reflection of my own that I hide on the inside.

I am still praying and not giving up hope but I am trying to learn to accept that this may just be God's plan for me. I am grateful.

I wanted to end with something my friend Kerrie recently said to me, "Wanting more doesn't make you ungrateful -- it just means you love being a mama."

My heart goes out to those of you hoping for a child at this time (be it your first, second or seventh!). Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,
Nicole

(un)grateful

Embracing who we are

Thank you kindly for all of your comments and perceptive input on my last post. I think I tend to forget (perhaps I unconsciously do it on purpose) just how far from the mainstream we are so it tends to come as a relative shock when I rediscover our differences. We may never fit the mold, but that's okay. I embrace our simple lifestyle and our homesteading dreams - they are part of who we are.

We carried on with our typical old fashioned ways over the weekend -  I finished up sewing C's birthday dresses (I couldn't resist making two this time), we made some almond yogurt (the kids enjoyed it, I wasn't too impressed honestly), I read and read books to help with our garden (as well as books to dream of our someday homestead) and we crafted some dandelion moisturizer from the dandelions growing in our backyard. We are already looking forward to making more dandelion moisturizer this summer. Although I did feel the need to add some lavender essential oil to it to help cover up the dandelion smell just a bit. They are quite pungent after steeping in coconut oil for a couple of hours.

When we gathered our dandelions I noticed that my children seem to have really caught on to our rule of leave two flowers for every one you pick. Usually that rule tends to be ignored. I think it's sticking now thanks to them understanding more about the current state of the honeybees. Especially since they know that every inch of the place where we are currently living is sprayed with toxic chemicals that hurt our earth and our pollinators except for our backyard. They are starting to see it almost as a duty to provide safe, clean flowers to any creature that may come by. I am hopeful our garden this year will help them carry out that duty.

Embracing who we are

In the ninth year...

our first katydid sighting! um, yep, we have random corn growing by our patio. The birds must have dropped a seed there but the girls want it to grow to feed to the animals.

"In the ninth year the child actually experiences a total transformation of his being, which points to a significant transformation of his soul-life and to a significant transformation of his experience of the bodily-physical"
                                                                                                                                     - Rudolf Steiner

These past couple of weeks have been turbulent my friends, quite turbulent indeed. I do believe we are neck deep in the nine year change. We have seen glimpses of it here and there over the past year or so but now I think it has officially moved in. You know those days when you have to walk away from your child because emotions are so high you are afraid of what you may say? On Saturday I had to do that three times with one of my girls  *ahem* and it was still early in the morning. I felt like my sweet, sensitive and compassionate child was lost. I vented and blew it way out of proportion to my friends and thankfully they encouraged me and reminded me that this phase is a huge milestone and it won't last forever. That was exactly what I needed (Thank you, friends!) 

Once I had felt that I cooled down long enough, we had a talk and then I asked her to be my "sous-Mama" (like sous-chef) the rest of the day. Basically she just stuck with me and helped me out with whatever I was doing. She loved it. We reconnected and rebuilt the strength we both needed to conquer another day. We ended the day working with our hands to really help sort through it. My girl worked on some wet felting while I made a new batch of play dough. I decided to add a few drops of lavender essential oil as well as some drops of peace & calming essential oil blend (more on these oils here) to help them relax more.  Little L was the first to discover the play dough and the girls shortly afterwards. They spent a couple of hours working with it and peace was restored in our household.
 Sunday was smooth sailing but I know we will still have trials ahead of us. I am trying to remember to stop and connect much more often and to remind myself that no matter how hard I think it is on me and the rest of the family, it's one hundred times harder on her and she needs even more love and support to get through it.

 

On a slightly comical note - When my friend came to visit us in the spring she brought with her two books that Waldorf teachers use for understanding the nine year change. They are Encountering the Self, transformation & destiny in the ninth year, and I am Different from You, how children experience themselves & the world in the middle of childhood. I am very sad to say that I haven't read them yet. I was going through a rough spell with my girl during that time but then it seemed to go away so I let myself fall behind. Now I am kicking myself, of course, and have the books on my nightstand to start reading tonight. I need all the help, wisdom, understanding and support I can get, so I can pass it down to her.

Speaking of that friend, they are coming for a short visit on the way back from a long trip very soon. The children and I have been planning things to do for while they are here. One thing we decided that they would need after such a long trip is a big home cooked family meal - think Thanksgiving type food. We can't wait!

As for the random castle photograph - I have been doing a lot better with rotating the children's toys but somehow or other their castle set had been packed away for a couple of years. I found it again digging through boxes in the garage and got it out. Little L had never seen it before and with this big dragon phase he is currently in, I bet you can guess how excited he was to play with it all.

p.s. - I forgot to add that you can also color your play dough if you wish, I was just in a hurry with this batch so we kept it plain. Next time I might add some Joy essential oil blend, too. You know, to help keep the crabbies at bay.

In the ninth year...

Coming clean

"...and the children love the rain! Splashing in the puddles, splashy, splashy wet. Splashing in the puddles, how wet can we get? All the earth does love the rain..."

Oh yesterday was a glorious day! For the second time in the past six months that we have been in Idaho - it rained! And while everyone else around us ran indoors, my family and I ran outside to enjoy every moment of it. It was a good thing too, for it lasted only fifteen minutes. We were all happily drenched by the time the clouds cleared. With big smiles and raised spirits we went inside to change into dry clothes and drink some hot tea.
-----------------------------------
Today I walked into my girls' room to find it utterly destroyed for about the sixth time in the last two weeks. They have been making big messes at night and then taking days to clean them up (like the three days it took them to clean it up before Little L's big boy celebration.) Seeing their room this way after they cleaned it up, yet again, yesterday was the last straw. In a haze, I stepped out of their room and next thing I knew, I was walking through the girls' room with a garbage bag. I muttered something about "too much stuff" and left the room with the bag filled to the top.

Then I sat there wondering what just happened. Obviously I mentally lost it, but we have been doing simplicity parenting (and living simply) since before Kim John Payne wrote a book about it! I have written post after post on how less is more, but somehow or other clutter snuck into our home and  my mind, keeping me from seeing the truth. I thought about it and I realized that the guilt I carry for taking my children away from our beloved school led me into a downward spiral of allowing too many unnecessary things to slip in. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it took me months and an endlessly messy room to finally see it. The funny thing is that when I went back to apologize for my wrongdoing and talk to my girls about it all, K mentioned that C said she was glad to not have all of that stuff in their room anymore. I could see the relief in their eyes. Glancing around their now clutterless room, I felt it too. I get overwhelmed and allow myself to become defeated before I even begin so very easily, and my children are the same way. Again, I should have seen that. When I have more than I can deal with I tend to make piles to get to later, but then I never get to them. I end up just moving the piles from one spot to another. It drives Kevin crazy, and honestly it drives me crazy, too! It all comes back to clutter.

Tomorrow I plan to make things right. I will start by going through that garbage bag with my girls and have high hopes that we can donate most of it to children who need it more than we do.

Coming clean

When handwork won't cut it

...to get you out of your slump - get a good dose of time outdoors with your children who, after all, are your biggest source of inspiration: Garden to feel the good earth in you hands (even if all you currently have is a garden in pots) Make mud pies (with this recipe book) and fairy houses (sitting in a hole of mud is completely optional) Turn a wagon into a pool Try your hand at building something with power tools Invite eager helpers to build along side you. Keep the finished project a mystery so the fun is in the making Feel great about what you accomplished and ignore the mess for now (the children and I made this picnic table purchased with gift cards they had been saving) and take a lunch break, you deserve it!

When handwork won't cut it