Move Forward

That sweet baby fuzz. I don't have much to say tonight. My brain just won't quiet down with thoughts and a couple of pressing concerns -  but nothing I could actually articulate at the moment. Big decisions are coming and I need to stop trying to avoid them! So lets just take a moment to focus on a sweet baby and his special fox instead. Inhale. Exhale. Move forward.

p.s. - I shared this over on Instagram but had to share it here, too: I received these photos in the mail last week from my Mom along with a note that puzzled my children (in case it is too small to read it says, "Finn in a white Christmas dress."). They thought it really was photos of him in a dress. Ha!

Move Forward

Winter Wonderland

You can see her breath!

Nearly to the top of my snow boots and still coming!
Welcome to our winter wonderland! It has been snowing on and off the past few weeks giving us a few inches on the ground, but the past two days it has snowed nonstop and it is still coming! This is the most snow my children have ever seen. They are thrilled, as I am sure you can imagine. Daddy even got a snow day off work. I feel like I have moved back to New York. I can still vividly remember the blizzards I experienced growing up there. I have a feeling this snowstorm will be one that stays in my children's memories for years to come, too.

I took this snowy opportunity to try out my Tír Chonaill - Baby Wearing Edition with Baby F. It definitely keeps the two of us extra cozy and warm and as a bonus I don't think you could lose us in the snow with the colors I knit it in! I am fearful of blocking it because the red yarn I knit with was bleeding all over my hands so that is why the bottom of it is flipping up. I might try the steam method of blocking to remedy that in the near future, though.

Winter Wonderland

A Little Patience

I try my hardest to keep the weeks of Advent slow and simple, building up a little bit each week as we come closer to Christmas. I have hope this is developing patience in all of my children (myself, too!) and reminding them what we are celebrating. But good grief, this Advent has been feeling slower than usual and a bit drawn out. I think this is mostly due to the fact that Kevin has been on a short deployment for the past few weeks. It just doesn't feel like Advent, nor that Christmas is nearly here, without him home. But I am grateful for the constant reminder of patience and preparation during this season. I have lessons to learn, I know it...

Thankfully by the time most of you read these words he should be back with us!

A Little Patience

We're having a...

Yes, I am keeping you in suspense just a bit longer...
Okay, remember the news I wanted to share with all of you but was waiting on the photographs to go with it? Well, since those photos are forever gone I took the opportunity to have Kevin snap some photos of me with my super huge belly (something I had been wanting done anyways!) to go with the news. I also took advantage of the opportunity and wore my two favorite sweaters to be photographed (finally!!). As you have probably surmised, I am not a fan of being in front of the camera so photographs of myself are rare. Although I realize I need to have more of them, especially for my children to look back on. I just feel super self conscious and like I would be perceived as conceited or something, and good gracious nothing would be further from the truth. I don't know how those people who take/post selfies everyday can do it! Perhaps it's my lack of confidence in my looks. Anyways, I just went through with it.

Of course having this guy make me laugh uncontrollably as he takes my picture helps me to feel a little less self conscious:

*Ahem* Anyways, back to the news. A couple of months back, right before the computer crashed, I had to go in for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound we found out what the baby was but we asked the technician not to say it out loud because we wanted to surprise our children (who were with us, of course). She saved the image and put it in an envelope for us to open later on. Kevin couldn't wait and opened it shortly thereafter and then after the visit, as we were doing our grocery shopping, he spilled the beans to me.

Since this little blessing was long awaited and much anticipated by the children (and us!), we wanted to make a big deal out of sharing the news with them. We decided that the next day we would do a gender reveal party for the children. Kevin took the kids to a park while I made a special cake that would reveal the gender of the baby when the children cut into it. I dyed the batter the appropriate color with natural food coloring, baked the cake and then covered the evidence with frosting. When they got back home we had our own little family celebration and then we let K cut into the cake. When they saw the blue inside they all got very excited, Little L most of all!

A baby BOY!!
So we are having another boy to bring a bit of balance to our family :) I am looking forward to his arrival (but please little guy, let's wait until February when you are due!).

For those interested, knitting details:

Campside Cardi - rav notes here. I have been wearing this sweater non-stop since it came off my needles. I love how cozy it is and look forward to it's comfort during the postpartum period. I had a couple of mods to the pattern which are noted on ravelry but the biggest one being the YOs. I knit them TBL instead to make the holes smaller.


February Lady Sweater - Lots of mods and rav notes here. I love how this knit up. Of course it fits better without a big belly under it, but that's okay. I may go back and lengthen the sleeves a bit at some point but otherwise I am completely in love with it! Buttons by Wooly Moss Roots and yarn by Luna Grey Fiber Arts

We're having a...

(un)grateful

I have been hesitant to even try posting what I am about to say as it is a sensitive topic and I am not exactly sure how to approach it, nor can I seem to articulate the emotions I am feeling. But it is something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now and I am hoping that my sharing might help others who are going through what I am. I know there are quite a few out there, some of them my own dear friends. I just want you to know you are not alone.

So here goes.

I have always envisioned myself having a large family. Five little souls seemed like a good starting point to me. As a teenager I would surround myself with children by volunteering for children's story time every week at the local bookstore near where I lived in California. I absolutely adored each and every one of those kids that would come and see me week after week. After that I had the opportunity to nanny the sweetest three year old boy for many months. I can still see him hanging on to my neck as we hiked up in the mountains, something we did almost daily (unless the beach called us instead). I treasure those memories as they helped me to realize that being a Mama was my calling.

As each one of my own children came into my life, the desire to have a large family became even stronger. My heart would grow bigger with each birth, far beyond what I thought I was ever humanly capable of and I knew it would just continue to grow. And then the gift of watching the siblings interact, quarrel (then learn and grow from the quarreling), and love one another would just expand my heart even more. I truly understood that children are a gift.

But it has been five years now since I was pregnant with Little L. The largest gap we have ever had between children. The hope and despair month after month has begun to really take it's toll on me. What if this is it for me and the path I dreamed of is not to be realized?

I feel horribly guilty about feeling sad. Who am I to be depressed over not having more babies when there are others out there who struggle to have their first and I already have three amazing blessings who fill me with endless joy everyday? I sound selfish and ungrateful, I know I do. Yet my heart still aches.

Emotional triggers seem to be everywhere for me. I am always extremely happy for others when they share the good news that they are expecting but I do admit I also get a small pain in my heart, wishing it was me. I have learned to take breaks from some of my favorite blogs (all of which are about large families) if I am feeling especially down.

My girls are constantly asking when we will have another baby. They both love doting on them so, even stranger's babies. A few weeks back K actually told me that she doesn't think it's going to happen any longer. Her grief seemed to be a reflection of my own that I hide on the inside.

I am still praying and not giving up hope but I am trying to learn to accept that this may just be God's plan for me. I am grateful.

I wanted to end with something my friend Kerrie recently said to me, "Wanting more doesn't make you ungrateful -- it just means you love being a mama."

My heart goes out to those of you hoping for a child at this time (be it your first, second or seventh!). Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,
Nicole

(un)grateful

Just call me Grandma

Ack! Land Shark!!

Well, it's official. Our garden plot is just dirt. We have less than three years left here in Idaho so instead of amending the soil we decided to just go with raised beds. Unfortunately as soon as we came to that conclusion and got the supplies, Kevin's boss had him working twelve hour shifts along with weekend duty so we haven't made any progress. The snow has already melted off of Mount Bennett (a local informed me that is the day you can plant your sprouts outdoors) so my children and I are chomping at the bit to start planting. While we try to exercise our patience, we are experimenting with some very old seeds we found, seeing if they will grow or not.

C received her birthday present from Nana and Grandpa early this year because... well, it's alive! They sent her this butterfly garden. The caterpillar voucher that came with it said it would take 3-4 weeks for the caterpillars to arrive. I put the order in on the first and they arrived within one week. Oops. C is thrilled, though. She has ten caterpillars to watch over. They are actually forming into chrysalises now. This wonderful gift inspired some nature lessons and has C pouring over our Nature Anatomy book. Both her and K are very interested in butterfly life cycles and the difference between butterflies and moths. As if on cue, Kevin found a waxworm (greater wax moth) outside and now K is taking care of it so she and C can see how different a cocoon looks.

Speaking of C, she and I have been a bit obsessed with wild crafting and herbs lately. We started up some calendula and comfrey salve today (from Rosemary Gladstar's book) and are dying to make some fermented dandelion stems. We are two ingredients short and have to wait until this weekend to make the drive to Boise to pick them up. As for K, she has been learning about time in her math lessons the past week and part of that was making a human sundial. I think she loved the excuse to go outside every hour to measure her shadow. She had a fieldtrip to a bank today with a local homeschooling group. We all enjoyed ourselves and I have a feeling we will be seeking out this group more often in the future.

Oh and Land Shark! Doesn't it drive you crazy when you are trying to craft a bed for your bunny and out of nowhere a shark pops up?!

...and then on a rather comical note:



C, Little L and I were playing at a local park while K was in her RE class. I took a knitting break after the three of us discovered an edible herb - shepherd's purse (although we didn't dare eat it knowing that the park was probably sprayed). A little girl maybe seven or so walked up to me and said, "Hey I know that girl (pointing to C). Is she yours? Are you her Mom or Grandma?" I smiled and said, "Her Mama." I laughed to myself and thought, it must be the knitting or my frumpy clothes (note to self - put a much overdue shopping trip higher up on the priority list). Maybe my laugh lines? Eh, I accept them as proof of a life lived well.

Kevin laughed when I told him about it. I asked him to take a picture of me but he flat out refused. Rascal. So I tried my hand at a selfie as a gentle reminder to myself that I don't look like I am old enough to be a Grandma yet. But I can not master that art, at least not in a flattering way! He,he. Oh well.

Maybe I should be slathering on my butterbean on a daily basis, just in case.

Just call me Grandma