Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Ruiner of babies or trading love for materialism (and a first haircut!)

first haircut first haircut haircut
I planned on typing up a post dedicated to Little L's first real haircut but something weighing on my heart took over. The more I think about it, the more it weighs on me. It's actually what took place just before we took him for his haircut.

My girls were over at a neighbor's house to play for a little bit and Little L and I came over to get them so we could all get ready to leave for Little L's haircut before Kevin got home from work. I chatted with the parents a bit while the girls helped to clean up. Once they were done K picked up their middle child (about a year in age) and just started talking, playing and loving her. It was such a sweet sight. K is very maternal and picks her up all the time (but usually it's when the baby is outside alone with her five year old sister) so this wasn't anything new. But then suddenly both parents looked at them and with shock on their face they said, " No! Put her down, you are spoiling her!!!"  K and I looked at each other thinking they were joking or something but nope, they said she can not "be spoiled". I think I must have looked like a deer in headlights when I realized they were being serious. I didn't know what to do at that point. I have never come across this before, I mean I had heard of it but never experienced it first hand. I understand we all parent differently, so no judgment here, but I just can not comprehend not picking up and holding a baby (or toddler, or any child for that matter) out of fear of "spoiling" them. How does one become spoiled with the security of knowing that their parent is there for them unconditionally? K didn't want to let the baby go and seemed to hold her even tighter. I probably would have done the same, if it were me. When I mentioned all of this to my friend, she jokingly gave K the title "Ruiner of Babies"- I rather like it!

My mind started racing the next day on my run. I was thinking about how it is socially acceptable to buy a child endless amounts of toys to keep them quiet happy yet we are supposed to ration out physical love? Are we, as a society in general, trading love for materialism? Are we teaching our children to seek comfort in things rather than the warmth of a parent's arms? Can we ever be secure and confident in ourselves if our family life is/was insecure? What's your take on all of this? Is it possible I am hitting the nail on the head or perhaps I am reading into the whole "spoiling" thing too deeply and just going off on a tangent. Stranger things have happened, ahem.

As my friend Mackenzie said - hold them as much as you can while they still let you. Soon enough they will be too busy for it and you'll miss it! I couldn't agree more.

p.s. -  I have to say something about the haircut! Little L amazed me. I though for sure he wouldn't put up with someone touching his hair but he sat there ever so patiently in daddy's lap. I think it helped that the hairdresser has ten children and knew what to expect. I was hoping for more of a surfer boy haircut, but oh well - it's just hair, right? It will grow back and we can try again. I kind of miss his crazy scruffy look but I won't miss the daily struggle with mouse nests in his hair.

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Posted by FrontierDreams at 11:11 PM
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Jennifer's avatar

Jennifer · 574 weeks ago

Oh, my goodness! They always look so Big when they get haircuts, don't they! But he's three, so it's OK to look Big some of the time.

I'm flummoxed by the spoiling comment. My 11 year old loves to be hugged and squeezed, and if that's spoiling her, well, so be it.
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helen · 574 weeks ago

Oh he looks so grown up!!!
On the topic of "spoiling"...i find it so hard to find that balance of material things - to give them things they want - either when they are doing good or for a treat, and not "give in" or to make them greedy/spoilt. Plus to understand that money doesnt grow on trees!
But as for with holding physical love - thats nonsense!!! I cant keep my hands off my kids! - we are a very tactile family, and thankfully my children are the same! There are babies/young children that are never put down and that can cause problems as they become very clingy; so maybe thats what she meant???! but its not my game!!! Balance is always the key - but give me a cuddle any day! x
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Ariel · 574 weeks ago

Oh gosh! I cannot imagine what I would say if someone said cuddling a child is spoiling it! I have always been very maternal from a young age, I feel like this just goes against the grain for me, but maybe that's because I was always hugged a lot as a child.

Each to their own though I guess.
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aimee · 574 weeks ago

I think you did well not to comment to be honest. What a bizarre idea. Hug them when you can, soon enough they'll not want to be cuddled by the un-cool parent!
To be blunt I'd say that you'd not get that opinion much, I've never heard it around here - Yes I'll say 'don't spoilt her' in relation to picking up her toys for her, reaching stuff she can get herself - i'm not her servant. But spoiling with cuddles. Pah, idiots. Sounds like a odd and misinformed ideal. (Actually it has slightly outdated religious overtones to me but I'll step away from that angle as I don't want to be perceived as offensive)

Regarding the material things, yes I do think there is a culture of buying kids toys as a representation of love. Not that they are under loved to start with, but that in todays modern society we tend to see material 'wealth' as a representation of success. I think its a reflection of general society .. Love someone, buy them flowers. Offend someone .. take them a 'sorry' gift. Someones sad .. buy them something to cheer them up.

In many cases we have lost or are loosing the ability to communicate with words and actions.
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Brandy · 574 weeks ago

I've heard that a lot, unfortunately. My family would rather hand out things than time and respect. I remember seeing new parents, proud of their baby, saying, "We try not to hold him too much, but it's hard." Yes, it's hard not to because it is natural to hold a baby! The deer-in-the-headlights look was probably the best possible reaction, I think.
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lovestitches 31p · 574 weeks ago

Oh I really feel bad for that little neighbour. I couldn't imagine not picking up my one year old all the time. Shes so independant and potters around by herself by ages but even independent little ones need reassuring cuddles. ANd besides what mama can resist giving their toddler smoochy cuddles? It makes me a little sad to think about now.
But wow what a difference a haircut makes! Such a big boy (but still so cute!)!
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sustainablemum · 573 weeks ago

I think you have hit the nail on the head that love is being traded for materialism. The child is being spoiled but sadly not in the way the mother intends.
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Megan · 573 weeks ago

Unfortunately I heard that a lot over the years and still do even though my kids are 13, 9, and 6. Breastfeeding them ruined them. Cosleeping until they were each about 4 or 5 ruined them. Picking them up when they cry ruined them. And on and on and on. Now whenever there's a discipline issue with any of hte children I hear, "well you coddled them as babies. What do you expect?" That's among the many reasons I read your blog, because I have to heard somewhere that it's okay to love your children. It's okay not to provide every toy in the store(either purposely or because I'm a broke single mom) but to love them as they want to be loved. I have to hear that it's okay to respect their wishes as babies, because otherwise, this world is a really really sad place for me.
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laura · 573 weeks ago

our world can be so sad. Materialism is bad for our spirit either way.

That is why I home educate, so that the children can learn that good character is more important than impressive grades in a school building, although wisdom is important. Character is more important. Good character means one can be content with nothing but a bible and a few carpenter skills.....
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Amy Caroline 48p · 573 weeks ago

L looks adorable.

I think you hit the nail on the head! I regret not holding my oldest children more! They know they are loved, but you know what I mean? I am holding a precious three year old while I write this. You cannot spoil a child with love. Honest and true love is something we as humans can never get enough of! We as parents have a responsibility to teach our children that they are loved unconditionally, how else can they ever begin to understand how much our God loves them? It is our vocation, given my our creator, to teach them love.
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chrisknits 37p · 573 weeks ago

We can never know what their true intent was by one sentence. It could be they don't want the little one to rely on being carried all the time. A child who does not allow the parents to tend to needed activities, by demanding to be held or carried all the time, could be their fear. I have a friend who's child is always demanding her attention. ALWAYS. She cannot do the simplest of things without him demanding a place in her lap. When this behavior interferes with her attempts to accomplish much needed tasks, it places a strain on the family. Some children need to learn boundaries. It isn't always a lack of love or affection, but a desire for the child to learn independence. My oldest would talk for our youngest, we had to make her understand that baby sis needed to learn to tell us what she wanted. Some might think we were wrong to admonish the elder child, but we noticed in later years that it was our elder's attempt to control that had her "talking" for the younger. That was a behavior we could not allow to continue. I guess all I am saying is, without living in that house day in and day out, we cannot really judge their behavior.
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heathermama · 573 weeks ago

little L's hair looks great.

my thoughts... they are only little for a short time. soon they are grown and moved out and it really does happen so fast. so all the time the demand to be held, all the times they want a seat in your lap...that stops. it does. my 20 year old does demand my time any more, neither does my 16 yo, or 12 yo, heck even my almost 10 y o doesn't need me like that, gosh now that i think about my soon to be 7 y o doesn't either. i just have my two wee ones and well i do miss it.
as for the materialism... i think parents maybe buy stuff because they want to show their love to their children, but our culture is so set on independence and pushing kids away, they just maybe don't know another way. i know that when i have worked outside the home i felt more compelled to buy things for the kids to show them i loved them because i was gone. now that i am a SAHM i don't have that same feeling. i am here all the time, hugging and loving on them. that is my take anyway.
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Natasha's avatar

Natasha · 573 weeks ago

You really hit the nail on the head, I feel, when it comes to the spoiling debate. I became a mom at age 22, and people all around me assumed because I was young I didn't know what I was doing. After a couple of years, realizing my children were not the average American spoiled brats they assumed I was creating with all that physical attention, I gained a lot of respect from extended family members, who no longer mention this bizarre concept of "spoiling" anymore. I never put my babies down; they want to be held, and I want to hold them; and the fact that anyone could call this "spoiling" baffled me! I don't believe in the whole materialism culture, and I really don't feel babies and children need more stuff; they need less stuff and more love! I held my babies as long as I could, and even at the ages of 8 and 4, they are still very affectionate. My husband and I are their main source of comfort and security, and I wouldn't have it any other way!
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Jessica · 573 weeks ago

That is so sad! Until my son became a toddler, he was in my arms constantly! He even napped in my arms every day u til he was 18 months old. Now I have a 2.5-week old and I have only set him down to use the bathroom or take a shower. I can't imagine not holding my babies!

Yes, we have traded love for material items as a society. I am trying to raise my boys opposite of that.
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Sarah · 573 weeks ago

Oh! How very shocking indeed and how sad! I share your feelings on the matter. You can be proud of K for being so caring with a smaller child! I think it's a beautiful example to set. Very cute hair cut!
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ncfarmchick 31p · 573 weeks ago

So sorry you were faced with this sad and uncomfortable situation. I recently had an experience at church (of all places!) where my parenting philosophy was clearly not aligned with some others (me - "Unconditional Parenting", "Simplicity Parenting", "The Continuum Concept" are my parenting Bibles, them - well...not the same, let's say.) I was so disillusioned and saddened. It's an awkward position to be in - to feel sad for another child but with no way to constructively offer an alternate view. Your children are your best advocates, though. They will serve as wonderful examples of a more loving way of parenting. I cannot imagine any situation in life that calls for LESS love. Peace and blessings!
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Nahuatl · 573 weeks ago

I dont know what to say. It sounds so sad.

In the other hand he looks so gorgoeus.
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nanacathy2 27p · 573 weeks ago

Neat hair cut. Carry on hugging. I don't think you can hug babies too much really, just as long as they can sleep. Babes have been on their own for 9 months so maybe they need me time too as long as they are content. Older children need to understand a baby is not a toy but a person like them . Can't see the spoiling angle myself. I cuddled and hugged my sons but when they wanted it so it met their needs and not mine. Children have far too much stuff these days and it is a poor substitute for parental time. Moreover it sets up the culture for debt as people shop and order to feel good .
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Jessica · 573 weeks ago

I think the notion that holding the baby too much is old fashioned. My grandmother would chime in with things similar to that, holding them too much would spoil them and whatever. I don't think that's the general feeling of most parents though. With my first child, those comments would float around in my mind, but I just couldn't help myself. They were so tiny and sweet I had to hold them! I had labored for 9 months to bring them into the world, surely it was my reward to hold them as much as I wanted! My babies were never ever spoiled by holding them too much! I wasn't an attachment style parent, but I listened to them and held them when they and I needed it. They slept with me some and I wore them in a sling when I could. I would sure love to cuddle a baby now :) Now that they are older, they don't seek after my physical affection as much, so hold your babies! Exclamation points galore here.
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Erin's avatar

Erin · 573 weeks ago

Wow- that is so sad about the baby! I don't think I have ever met anyone personally who felt that way but I have heard of people who feel that way. Breaks my heart for the babies. :(

Nice haircut! I'm putting off cutting my little guy's hair. He's only 15 months but he's getting quite a bit of hair.
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Laura@sewknitgrow · 573 weeks ago

Spoiling it what happens to produce when it is neglected and to refer to a child that way is understandably confusing. I am so tired of all these parenting books, most of which contain terrible advice(which apparently your acquaintances are very good students of) that seem to be everywhere now. Aren't we really saying by using these "techniques" is my love for you is conditional? Who wants to feel that! As an adult I wouldn't..imagine being a kid again and feeling that. Even the handful of good parenting books, while inspiring and helpful, can leave you feeling like a failure by not being able to measure up to the ideals. I enjoyed reading the responses on this.
Haircut is darling by the way!
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Mardi · 573 weeks ago

Gosh, tell me this didn't happen. I can't believe that, honestly. Yep no judgments, but seriously???
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Mardi · 573 weeks ago

I should elaborate... I mean, I can't believe that hugging a little one can ever be considered spoiling them.
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Kate 17p · 573 weeks ago

It's hard to respect other parenting ways and spoiling such a young child by picking him/her up wouldn't cross my mind, but yes, it is pretty common to relate carrying to spoiling - for whatever reason. Considering we carried and still carry both girls we are a lost case which again makes it easy: we did it until now, we might just as well keep going. :)

Little L looks just as cute as he looked before. His haircut didn't change him a bit! :)
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Briana · 573 weeks ago

http://abcn.ws/1fQECpP

6 out of 10 babies are not well bonded to their parents! Your momma heart was right to be worried.

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