Sunday, October 23, 2011

Words

There are many words I do not particularly care for nor allow in my home, but two really top that list - hate and stupid. These words really strike a chord in me. They become even more painful if I hear them being said to or by children. I removed them from my vocabulary and have spent the past six years or my life protecting my children from them. Do I sound a bit extreme over these words? Perhaps. I do have a tendency to take things to extremes. Yet, for myself and my family I feel the need to be a bit extreme over some things.



The power of the word hate was first brought to my attention back in high school by one of my dearest friends (Hi Beck!). She pointed out to me just how intense and strong that word is. Take just a minute and let yourself soak in this word and really think about it - it means the opposite of love, the most powerful and beautiful thing there is in this world. Knowing this - could we ever truly feel such an emotion as hate? Also, I think about how much this word is overused in our culture "I hate broccoli", for example. Really? Maybe someone might dislike broccoli, but hate it?! That is quite a strong stance. I don't know, am I making sense here?

After hearing my friend's thoughts on the word and then doing some of my own pondering on it I decided to no longer use it. That was easier said than done. I had used that word all my life, it was just a force of habit. It wasn't until I became pregnant with K that I finally was able to fully move away from using it.



Then there is the word stupid. I don't think I need to go into details as to why I choose to keep this word out of our home but I will share a reason why it is a bit more personal for me. I spent a few years of my young adult life in an unhealthy relationship (to put it as nicely as I can). The person I was with wanted to/tried to control me. He didn't like me being with my friends or family and even told me once that he didn't want me to attend college because he was afraid it would open my eyes too much to what this world has to offer and I would leave him (funny thing is, at the end of our relationship that is exactly what happened). Ughhh, enough on that - but he would always, always put me down and call me stupid. To me, cruel words almost hurt worse than physical pain.



Ever since having K, I was shocked over how common this word is in children's things (from clothes to books to music...). I even found it in one of our beloved Elsa Beskow books - The Sun Egg. I truly believe this was a translation issue, I can't imagine she would have used that word back in her time. I ended up using white out over the sentence "You are so stupid", to change it to "You are not nice".



With all of this said (and a short post turning into a long one), I think you may be able to imagine the shock I went through last week when the word stupid passed my sweet K's lips. She was having a rough time as soon as we arrived at the pumpkin patch and I decided we just needed to leave and try again another day (there is so much more to that story but seriously, that would take up a whole nother post... Kevin had to work on our family day and I had it planned too perfectly with C and I making pumpkin scones while K was at school and getting Baby L dressed in his new longies with his pumpkin shirt and hat... oh my. You know how it is when you plan days too perfectly - they always fall apart.). As we walked back to our car she said "Stupid Mama". It was like a knife to the gut for me. I froze and didn't know how to react. I asked her what she said but she caught on to what I was doing and refused to repeat it. I did not raise my voice at all (which to me was a real test - I try not to raise my voice to my children ever, but I am only human and sometimes my emotions get the best of me) but I just did not know what to say or do. I asked her where she heard this word. She instantly said "NOT from school!", which of course means she did pick it up there. I did my best to explain very simply how unkind and hurtful that word was, but that was all I could do. The pain of hearing her little voice say that word still stings me. I have been trying to connect with her teacher to help me through this. This is something K and I need to work through together. I knew it was coming some day but just not this early.



It feels like, in this day and age, it is just becoming harder and harder to protect our children and their innocence. I know I can't keep them in a bubble forever - but please, please just let me at least preserve their early childhood years! Is that too much to ask?!

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Posted by FrontierDreams at 11:45 PM
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heirloomseasons 43p · 703 weeks ago

Oh Nicole, I am so so sorry! I don't think it matters if you have an extreme opinion about these words. And I am exactly the same, for the same reasons. I don't even think I can write them here! I use the word foolish as a substitute on the rare occasion we come across the other word in books. And of course "don't like". I love that you used white out and wrote new words instead. Chloe does now know of the words from reading, and she understands that they are words that we do not use. I think K will understand too. I even don't like the word "mean" and it is one I regret letting into our home. Yea, I guess I'm extreme too.
Love love love to you my wonderful caring friend!
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Julianna · 703 weeks ago

Shielding your children from unpleasant words may go far to make you feel more secure, but it does little for their own security. Discussing words plainly and telling them why or why not to use them makes them feel included and loved. Don't make your issues your children's issues. Sorry if that sounds cruel, but you want to make their world better, not rewrite your own past.
3 replies · active 703 weeks ago
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Angela · 703 weeks ago

I have an (almost) 4 year old and an 18 month old and I also "dislike" the word stupid very much! When I read the Sun Egg to my girls I, too, change the word....to silly. I know I can't really protect my girls from that word forever because my 4 year old has already picked it up in preschool. At first she didn't know what it meant...she was playing around and exclaiming, "I'm super girl! I'm stupid!" I could tell by her puzzled expression when I gasped. I explained to her that that is a yucky word we don't use and of course I'm often telling them about the golden rule and how we treat people as we would like to be treated. Love your blog!
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yukikopesik 20p · 703 weeks ago

How recognizable sounds this to me... My children are 15, 14, 9, 7 and 1 year(+10 months), and there is so much difference between the teenagers and the three youngest. What happened to their innocence? Once, I think the oldest was about 8 years, she called me a bitch because she was angry with me. I was totally in shock, but when I explained how rude, impolite and even offensive that word was, I discovered that she had no idea of the meaning of that word, except that it was something to say when someone is angry. It was something a friend of her had said... alas you can't protect the children from bad influences. But it helps to talk about it, so they learn how to deal with it.

(I hope you understand what I mean, I wasn't very good at English on school)
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Lucy · 703 weeks ago

I am sorry these words are so painful to you. I do think that one negative effect of protecting your kids from a word is that it can invest the word with so much power. Looking someone in the eye and saying with concentrated venom "I hate you" and saying casually "oh yes I hate junk food too" are such different things. The words themselves do not have power, it is the intent behind them. I imagine your reaction was alarming to K even without shouting etc. It built the word up into such a potent weapon. When I have issues with my kids, I just say we don't use that word as a weapon and move on. I guess I have a different perspective as I was verbally bullied every day at school from 5 to 16, and my parents made me repeat "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" each morning. And I would far far rather be sworn at or called names than hit and hurt physically. There is just no comparison, and I say that as someone who a's an adult has survived rape and being verbally victimised. I wish you peace.
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Ulrike · 703 weeks ago

This is an issue all parents have to deal with sooner or later. Sometimes it helps choosing the environment for your children very carefully (like you do), but my kids have brought home much worse words than 'stupid', not from their public kindergarten and school, but from the neighbour kids who all attend Waldorf school and kindergarten, so you can't really escape that in the long run. Language is also very important to me, and we use words very carefully and mindfully. When my kids use a slang word I tell them that it is slang and ask them to use the proper word. When they use swear words with things, I ask them to think of an appropriate word to articulate their resentment. When they use a swear word relating to a person, I ask them to think it over because some words do hurt. I think though that they should be allowed to articulate their negative feelings too, so instead of 'stupid mama' my 5 year old says 'You're being unfair and I don't like that'. If he says 'Stupid mama' I ask him not to talk to because I'm not and he isn't either. Then we can talk it over. Some very obscene words that he has brought home were just ignored. He tested us, we didn't react, he stopped using those words as they didn't trigger a reaction. My girls (17 and 12) never ever used obscene words and choose their words carefully in conflict. I don't know if this a result of our parenting or their own conscious decision. So, as painful as this situation might have been for you, it's a situation you have to go through eventually, and it's a situation which can really result in raised mindfulness, a very important lesson for your daughter. It's not a bad thing, it's an opportunity. She will hear far worse words eventually, and she needs to put them into the right perspective.
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Emily · 703 weeks ago

Thanks for this post. I'm surprised that you didn't tell any details about it being a team effort, you and your husband. I feel like my husband is more sensitive than I am to some words, but not to others and we will have to make an effort together to get to the same understanding of what words we want and don't want said.
My friend often uses "silly" or "silly business" to describe situations that are frustrating or where someone else might be tempted to say "bs". It keeps you also from putting titles on people, but rather on the situation. I've always been grateful for living and working with this friend, because using silly became more engrained in me. What words do you use instead?
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Marlo · 703 weeks ago

This is a great post. I think sometimes people want to expose children to things so young, when really they need to be protected when they are so little. We don't use hate or stupid either. Of course I am the worst offender and my daughter has to remind me that we don't say hate. Another word we don't use is fat. In a house full of girls, there is no need to begin the issue of body image when they are so little. When they are older, they will be better able to choose their words, but like yukikopesik said, when they are young they use words of which they don't even know the meaning. I'm glad you posted about this. Hope all goes well.
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Julia · 703 weeks ago

What a great post, I absolutely love your thoughts about these words. Being a young adult myself, curse and swear words are heard every single day in my circle... but, the most important thing for me is to be able to recognize the "power" of them even in those common words (I find the words "idiot" and "imbecile" SO hurtful and they are not exactly considered swear words ) as unfortunately people tend to speak without even thinking about these things.
Your K probably used that word without knowing the "power" behind the meaning and from what you wrote I think she realized what happened.
Wish you all the best in preserving your children's innocence, I suppose it must be hard on times like these but from what I can read here you are doing such a lovely job :)
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Melanie · 703 weeks ago

Nicole, those words are not allowed in our home either, for so many reasons. I have also been appalled to find the word "stupid" in so many children's books, and I always say "silly" when I come across it- I love your idea to white out and re-write. My 7 year old can read, so it would be a good thing for me to do as well.
I am so sorry to hear your little girl used a word which is so hurtful to you- and I totally understand your wish to keep them forever pure! <3
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nadjamagdalena 51p · 703 weeks ago

I'm so sorry, Nicole. I know from experience that it is nearly impossible to protect the children's innocence for very long, and we homeschool, are cautious about who our kids play with, and keep a careful eye on the media they are exposed to. Still, I have my kids frequently calling one another "stupid" or "idiot". when they are angry. This in spite of the fact that I raised them to say, "I'm really mad at you!" rather than using names. I also said, "We can hate sin and hate the devil, but we shouldn't use the word so lightly, as it is a very strong word." Well, children learn early on that words have power. They can ask for things, refuse things, and make people laugh or wound them with words. "In the beginning, there was the Word..." and "The pen is mightier than the sword." Children catch on at a very early age.

Believe me, even using the word "stupid", your kids are innocent. You would not believe what came out of the mouths of the third graders in NYC at PS41 when I went there, and that was back in 1972! What the children really need is the understanding that words do indeed have power, and harsh words spoken are like bullets--they wound, and cannot be retracted. We can perhaps treat the wound afterwards, but it may leave a scar. They must learn to respect words and use them--especially the hurtful ones--with care if at all.
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Joy · 703 weeks ago

I agree with some of the other commenters that it's not possible to shield your children from these words forever. You can certainly share your feelings on certain words. I grew up in an environment where the list of verboten words was so lengthy that it felt oppressive (from certain body parts to any cursing substitution, even words like "gosh"). While I want my children to choose their words mindfully, I want them to be able to express their feelings without additional frustration. When we come to the word "stupid" or "shut up" (which appears quite often in the Frog and Toad books that Finn loves), he'll reply, "ooh, that's not very nice to say". And he recognizes that I wouldn't want him to say those things. It's especially important for him to recognize that for himself since he listens to audiobooks all.the.time. As for my older kids, I know there are things that they say that I wouldn't choose to hear come out of their mouths (being 12 and almost 11 and needing to sound "cool"). But they know where the line is, and I'm married to an English major who thinks that most people lend *way* too much power to many words.
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Jen · 703 weeks ago

Ahh, the word choices in children's books. My daughter has a book that refers to a character as "big and fat", and another one that calls coffee and hot sauce "yucky". Oddly, these phrases bother me, and I alter them when I read to her, but I've never "corrected" The Sun Egg. I'm completely on board with adjusting the language when reading to little ones, but something in me hesitates about whiting out the text to replace it. It comes too close to revising Huckleberry Finn for me. I'd rather leave it be and have the conversation about it than cover it up. I suppose the difference here is that it is a translated text, so you are possibly making an equally legitimate choice of phrase to replace the one chosen by the translator, whereas Huck was written in US English in the first place. The only translation is across the years.
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kate · 703 weeks ago

There's a Curious George book that has a line something like "he was so upset he wanted to die" (I'm paraphrasing) and it really, really surprised me the first time I read it to my daughter out loud...obviously I skipped that line and just said "he was so upset." Interestingly, there are lots of old books with language like that. It always surprises me to come across it. Anyway, it does feel like a losing battle sometimes, especially with what they are exposed to at school or on the bus. I guess all we can really do is explain why certain words/phrases are not nice and hope the lesson sticks, kind of like teaching them to eat healthy foods, etc. Once they are out in the world they are just exposed to so, so much.
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stacy · 703 weeks ago

i so hear you on this! we are rather careful with our words but things do slip around here and out of my own mouth only too often. i am surprised by just how often we edit books that are otherwise wonderful. i hear that these two words are hugely important to you. sometimes, in an effort to make them powerless, i say, "what does that even mean?" in a jokey way if it's a less triggering word for me. and, i like to hear what the girls think about the word. clearly, it's not gonna work for the button pushers and i am so glad you can identify yours. even in this hard thing of language, you are a wonderful mama to those babes!
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Nahuatl Vargas · 703 weeks ago

My 5 year old once used with me, whiles I was talking with my father, and that makes it worst, I got really angry, an then explain him how much he hurt me, and how he wouldn't like me using with him, and I think we kind of solve it for now, but I know, it hurts so much.
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Jenna · 703 weeks ago

I feel you...it seems to be everywhere! Now, my kiddos are older (12, 10.5 & 9) and I'm starting to allow them to unfurl a bit outside of my protective bubble. But I do remember when they were that age and how hard it was. From the very begining I told them "Just because you see it or hear it doesn't mean we say it!" Just as important as shielding them as much as possible at that age is letting them know that they are safe from those words at home. I remember my oldest refusing to do a reading assignment at home in 1st grade because a character (from Frog & Toad I think?) called a situation "stupid." He had a stomach ache all week because he didin't feel comfortable with it. I eventually had to tell him the above phrase and then let him know that there is a difference between calling a person stupid vs. a situation (ie. jumping off a roof = stupid). Peace to you all!
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TulsiLeaf · 703 weeks ago

Hmmmm.

I can totally see where you would get upset. I think I would have to from hearing my daughter say that to me.

But I guess what stops me from taking it to personally is that she didn't mean it. At this age(our daughters are the same age) there is so much exploration. Like I tell my daughter "how can you understand what is right unless you do something wrong? Mummy can't teach you unless you make mistakes".

Just know that she didn't understand the implications of the word she was saying.
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Melissa · 703 weeks ago

I thought I was the only one who tried to keep those words out. My husband and I started censoring our words heavily when our first daughter started talking and we heard her repeat words that came from our mouths. We were so ashamed we started to correct the words that she had picked up by saying those kinds of words are not good for us mommy and daddy don't like them and we are not going to say them anymore. When she got older and she started hearing other people say it she repeated it once and I told her what it means and how it hurts peoples feelings and she would never want to say it. She now corrects people with tears in her eyes quite often, its very sweet. The worst is when someone else says it to them and they know what it means and they are hurt and they are running to you feeling hurt.Then I have to try and tell her why they didn't mean it because no one would say such a word if they knew the real meaning of it. I hope that things get better I totally understand wanting to keep your children pure and protect them from the terrible things in this world and nothing can hurt worse then language.
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Jen's avatar

Jen · 703 weeks ago

Nicole,
While many of us try really hard to protect the innocence of our children (and you seem to do even more than most.) there is a time that we have to start the process of giving them to the world. It is not a coincidence that most schools start around age 5 they are moving out of the young dependent child phase of their lives. We need to then explain our beliefs and differences to them so that they can recognize the things that they are shown in the world as either acceptable or not in their lives. My son told me few years ago that he chose to have bad word memory loss, he heard them and then he chose not to remember them. I wish you good luck and peace as you move into this new area of parenting.
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Sarah · 703 weeks ago

I love that you wrote that in your book! What a great idea. I often read a different sentence than the one written, but I never thought of using white out tape. Just yesterday I was reading a book called Taxi Dog. It reads, "To the hospital quick! My wife is quite sick, cried the man as we stopped for the light, Our baby is due! And like lightening we flew- we made it in time-what a night!" I know it disturbs the rhyme that I leave out the second line, but I do it anyway. I also purposely don't read books are about school since we home school. And we almost NEVER read a book with bottle feeding images. We do read A Baby Sister for Francis though, but we talk about that in real life a badger would never never drink milk from a bottle. If we give it to them or not words and images carry tremendous power. It's the same as not having images on your children's clothing. For the first six years I didn't want them to wear camouflage either because i felt it normalized the military. I believe in acting as a filter for my children, they have time enough to learn about these things when they are older.
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katy · 703 weeks ago

I often edit books too - though my daughter is just 2 so I haven't had to actually write in changes yet! Forgive this shallow question given the importance of this post, but where did you get those sweet PJs in the first picture? I MUST HAVE THOSE PJs!!!!
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Tara · 703 weeks ago

Thank you for opening yourself up in this post. I, too, struggle with this issue. It is in fact, one of the reasons we have chosen to homeschool, because, although I believe that children will be exposed to these words and expressions eventually, I want to protect their hearts while I can. My 5 year old will say nasty things to me occasionally when he gets really frustrated with me, like, "I don't like you", "I wish you weren't my mama," etc. The words he says hurt me, but I try to read under his words to what he is really saying. Most often when he says things like this he is trying to voice his frustration and his feelings of lack of control. I try and slow my breath and respond with something like, "I hear that you feeling really frustrated right now." And I try not to make a big deal about the actual words being said. It is hard not to let words that your children say hurt. My oldest is 12 and although it has been very rare, there are times when my heart feels like it is breaking from words that come out of his mouth.

Don't give up! Your gentle protection really will make a difference!
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Bonnie · 703 weeks ago

Hi Nicole!

I totally agree with you regarding those words. We don't say them and I shield them from anyone who says them. I would love to know what your Waldorf teacher has to say about handling it...both personally and as a parent. Could you please post on this or email me separately??? It is interesting to see how a Waldorf teacher would handle that in and outside a classroom.

Thanks!!!!
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boatbaby2 85p · 703 weeks ago

Here's the thing I tell my kids. There are no bad words. Words can not be bad. There are only bad intentions. You can take a word like FAIRY and make it pretty nasty if you have the intention. Same with the word Baby. Words are tools of expression. When I catch my finger in the door, I want to say SHIT. It's how I feel. :) But I also warn my son that whether it's fair or not, in this world you are judged by the words you choose to say. Period. So if you use ugly words or ignorant words, that's how people will see you and treat you. Hiding words and colors and whatnot from kids is not going to give them any learning moments. I am all for preserving childhood, but I am not ok with putting my kids in a false bubble.

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