Friday, May 10, 2013

{take 2} Our dream comes to an end

chalkboard at PWS PWS St. Francis in the 2nd grade at  PWS K's knitted lamb (on the left) K's classroom 008 Story by K's class 029 K's classroom K's classroom 025 116 115 123 042 050

Some of you may have seen the unedited version of this post last week. I apologize for alarming any of you, but thank you so much for your e-mails voicing your concern. They really touched me. I felt the post was too doom and gloom so I thought I should just come back to it. Of course, when I went to hit the "save" button, I hit the "publish" one instead. *Sigh* Have I mentioned how computer savvy I am? I was also hoping to break the news to our children before posting it here, but I don't want to keep everyone in the dark any longer. While I am planning to tell them this week, I just please ask that anyone who knows us locally, to not say a word in front of them about it.

"...We live in a time of hard tests for humanity, of hard tests which must become still harder. We live in a time in which a whole host of old forms of civilization to which men still erroneously cling, are sinking into the abyss, a time in which the claim insistently arises that man must find his way to something new." - Rudolf Steiner

Hello everyone. I have been a bit out of touch lately, I know. My normal sanguine self has become very melancholic. I am not sure how to share recent news that we have received. I was hoping to have had an epiphany by now and be able to share it all with grace (instead of self pity), maybe even seeing the bright side to it all.  But, in all honesty, I will be happy to just get through typing this up with out sobbing.

Kevin recently received orders that we are to move to Idaho this September. We had just finished up a date night watching Colonial House together and were getting ready for bed when the news came. My heart sank as I let out a loud cry upon hearing the news. Our dream finally came true of living in a community of like-minded people and having our children in a Waldorf school, and now that dream is coming to an end. Not to mention my newly found church community that my family and I are so very fond of. I always knew there was a possibility of having to move from here but I pushed it so far back in my head so that I wouldn't have to face it. I guess I thought that if we did move maybe we'd be closer to family or at least near another school. Idaho doesn't have either of these.

I have been a bit of a gypsy for most of my life - even before I met Kevin. Every time I would move from one state (or country) to another I would be thrilled at the thought, no matter how much I loved my current location. Always a fun new adventure to look forward to! This is the first time in my life that I am incredibly depressed, feeling hopeless, and just down right unhappy about the thought of moving. It's very unlike me.

I am anxious about trying to sell this house of ours in such a short amount of time, too. I won't lie. It's pretty much a disaster. We bought it as a "fixer-upper" but never were able to afford to do anything to it, thanks to the bank messing up our mortgage. I don't know what we are going to do about that. A short sale is a possibility but that would damage our credit for three years and we need to be able to buy a house in Idaho. It's hard to find a rental that will accept three children and seven pets.

There actually is a Waldorf school in Idaho but it's much too far away from where we will be (somewhere near Boise) so I will be homeschooling all of my children. This prospect excites me and scares me to death at the same time (mostly the latter). I love the general idea of homeschooling, but I just don't know if it is something that I personally can do.  Teaching Waldorf kindergarten at home is so very different from the actual grades. Not to mention that I have spent the past seven years studying Waldorf early childhood education, but haven't even begun digging into the grades. I know that they say Waldorf homeschooling is very different from attending an actual school but I need to find some way to make it as close as possible...for K's sake. She is thriving beyond imagination at her school. I just can't see how I could. I don't feel qualified. Never mind the fact that I don't know how to speak German, how to do eurythmy, how to play the recorder amongst many other things. I do, however, remember a bit of Spanish. That's a plus, right?!

We haven't said a word to our little ones yet. We are just trying to find the right time. I know my K will be just as devastated as I am and I don't want to ruin her last few weeks of school. It breaks my heart to think of telling her.

Kevin will go back to his old job and that is a very good thing. No longer will we have to go all week without seeing him, but instead he'll be working a normal 9-5 job. He also wants to help with the homeschooling. I am pretty thrilled over that!

Ugh, I am sorry. I know venting and complaining is so unattractive but I just need to get this all out there. Then maybe I can move forward to acceptance. I know there is a greater plan for my family and I, and that we will be able to understand it more once we are on the other side of all this, but it's hard to wrap my head around right now. We have been so very blessed to have had the chance to live out our dream for these past four years. I am eternally grateful for that and will hold every moment deep in my heart. And who knows, maybe after these next four years maybe we will be able to come back. For now I just want to relish what little time we have left.


On our morning drive to school the other day, we were all discussing our farm we dream of having someday. Totally out of the blue K said, "When we have our farm, I want to homeschool instead of going to a school away from home. That way I can spend more time taking care of the animals."
I cried when she said this, feeling so very grateful for the message that, no matter what, as long as we are together everything will be all right.

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