Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Sleep {or lack thereof}

sleep sleep a rare sight nowadays!

We have hit a new phase of three with Little L. It's called, "I don't need sleep and neither should you!" It has been going on for a couple of months now but it's really hitting me hard at the moment because Kevin isn't home at L's bedtime to put him down, and he won't be all summer. Little L has always  fallen asleep within a half hour for Kevin but for me it's a minimum of four hours. Kevin and I usually take turns with getting him down. I start him at the children's normal bedtime (six thirty) and end up staying in bed with him until ten or eleven at night. He plays outside all day long, and doesn't take a nap (hasn't since he was one so that isn't interfering with his sleep schedule.) He wakes between seven and eight each morning (same time he would wake up when he went to bed at six thirty.) He is a true lover of life and I think he doesn't want to miss out on a single moment of it. I pray this is a short phase. Maybe it just means he's getting ready to accomplish some big things, or something of that nature.

He still co-sleeps with us and someone suggested I should put him in his own room. I currently can't handle the idea of him being alone so we tried having him sleep with his sisters. That didn't work because he stays up too late for them and they end up getting me, explaining that they are too tired to try any longer (and boy do I know how they feel!) I am thinking of putting his mattress in our room but then I still have to figure out how to get him to fall asleep.

Honestly, I am just beside myself hence all the whining (sorry!!) The night time is my time to wind down, plan out our homeschooling, get a little knitting and/or sewing in and just exhale from the day's events. I can go a few days without that time to myself but weeks upon weeks run me down and I become somebody I don't like. I end up still trying to get thing done after he's asleep and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning, leaving myself drained and vulnerable for low patience.

I don't know, I appear to be rambling here. Do any of you have any sage wisdom you'd like to share on the matter? Really, anything! I am desperate for a good night's sleep and my old self back!


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Posted by FrontierDreams at 8:09 PM
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sarah · 565 weeks ago

(((Hugs))) If I may say so, your staying with him may be feeding the problem. Leaving him may lead to a terrible time for a short while, but he will adjust. I don't mean to sound harsh, you can do it in respectful and gentle ways so that he feels safe and loved. A special new toy to be his bedtime guardian, for example. Or a revolving lamp with star cut-outs which makes slow-spinning lights on the walls, and which only stays on when he's alone in the room. Will he stay in bed if he has a quiet thing to do there? Such as reading or playing with a couple of soft toys? Ideally, you want to get him to sleep - and I'm sure you've tried all the hot-drink, herbal-infued-bath, quiet, low-light, tricks - but you can't *make* him sleep. However, you should be able to limit his activity. If he refuses to stay in bed, there may be some kind of reward-consequence you can employ. For example, five nights staying in bed will result in a trip to the petting zoo. If five nights is too long for him to imagine, then three nights for a smaller reward - ice creams at the park for example - something your girls can enjoy too. And loads of positive feedback if he stays quietly in bed for any length of time.

If he keeps getting up, you may find it helpful to whisper to him and not stress, not argue, get him what he wants then lead him back to bed. Very quiet, very boring. If he's really stubborn, maybe a story would work - the house fairies are trying to get their work done but they can't because we keep disturbing them, that kind of thing. But if he stays quiet in bed he might hear them flying about or see a glint of a wing. (Some parents think that's lying/manipulation. I personally like stories.)

I think putting him in his own room would just add another disturbance to the process. Keep all the usual routines. If your husband is away when he's usually there for L, that may be the trigger for this. Be assured of one thing - this too shall pass! He's just trying out the boundary.
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Natalie · 565 weeks ago

My little ones went through similar phases. I think their brain was still going a mile a minute and they had a hard time slowing it down. One of their first teachers recommended very calming stories on CD -- the same one again and again -- partly because they like repetition and partly because they know it so well, it's calming instead of stimulating, but still gives them something to focus their minds on. I like the Sparkle Stories sleepytime stories.
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Lauren · 565 weeks ago

I am sure you are familiar with her, but I found miss faith of joyful toddlers very helpful. When my nighttime routine was in ruins and my kids were running around like monkeys until 11pm, i broke down and wrote to miss faith personally. She responded in a matter of hours. Her suggestions were incredibly helpful. First she suggested a guided meditation, slowly relaxing each part of the body. She said to really do this slowly, for 15 minutes or more speaking in a very monotone and calm voice. Just think of savasana in your last yoga class! And if he is still tossing and turning at the end of body, you can turn around and go back up the body. Or, if that isn't your style, a slow and repetitive story that gets softer and softer could help. Miss faith used an example of a little boy who travels to the moon. I used a story about a little mouse who wants to touch a star. And the journey is long, and descriptive. There are many things to encounter and many friends to meet, traveling on and on. And my voice would remind me of one of those new age guided meditation CDs. But, it worked.

One other thing that miss faith mentioned and it really helped: my attitude was everything. Sitting there, annoyed and frustrated was pulsing negative and frantic energy into the room, and the kids were picking up on it. I wasn't relaxed and so they weren't relaxed. If I allowed myself to relax as I told the story, they would relax too. Attitude became everything. I used to picture the warm glow of a candle in my mind and imagine myself passing that calming light to them.

And one other thing. Even now, my kids sometimes need a calming presence at bedtime, though we are well past our troubled times. And now, I go in to the room and I notice where the energy lies within their bodies. Sometimes their legs are kicking furiously, or they are playing endlessly with their hands and fingers. Wherever, I make it a point to sit down and rub those parts of the body calming and gently, sometimes with lavender lotion if the occasion calls for it. I rub until I feel those parts relax in my hands. Tummy rubs are VERY popular. Anything warming and calming and rhythmic sends a direct message.

I hope this helps! Thinking of you!
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Zena · 565 weeks ago

Hi there, I understand your predicament! I think a good compromise is to lay a mattress on the floor in your room and put him to bed at an appropriate age time that you think is best. Lie down and read with him and then tell your little one to stay there and that you are going to wash the dishes and will come back in 5 mins to check on him. Often he would come out and I would gently and nicely bring him back to his mattress. The next day 10 mins etc. Keep coming back...eventually I would come back and my son fell asleep on his own. Of course once you get that right he will grow out of that pattern and or have a growth spurt and will need a new strategy! Good luck. All mamas need some night time to themselves to recharge. xx
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Natachaastorm 18p · 565 weeks ago

Did you ever try audiobooks? My kids love them. Even if they aren't sleeping, they stay in their beds.
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Marigold Jam · 565 weeks ago

Oh how this post took me back to when my daughter was little and didn't sleep through the night on a regular basis till she was 4! (She is now 32) I don't have any answers I'm afraid and I used to get so frustrated and angry and people telling me that if I was calm she would be calm didn't help either as I used to think if she was calm I would be calm too so it's all a vicious circle. Story tapes might be the way to go though as one of the bloggers suggests. Does it help to know that things will get better in this respect eventually even if by then you have a different set of problems to worry about? Being a parent is surely the most difficult job in the world and we all find different ways of coping - usually not ways we would choose but all children are different. My heart goes out to you but do believe that you will get your me-time back one day.
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sustainablemum · 565 weeks ago

There is lots of good advice here already. You mentioned that for Daddy he will go to sleep in half an hour. What time is Daddy coming home? I remember my eldest at this age whenever Daddy went away with work he would be a different person. It took me ages to work out that this was really distressing to him because he couldn't really understand where Daddy had gone and whether he was coming back. Once we talked about it I managed it in a totally different way using concepts he could understand and he was better at coping with it. Does he see Daddy in the morning? Could he be worried and anxious about where he is and when he will next see him which is stopping him from getting to sleep, I cannot get to sleep if I am worrying about something.
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Ali · 565 weeks ago

I really feel for you. My daughter was like this from day one. It was nothing to do with our lack of parenting skills. We went on to have a son that did nothing but sleep. Our daughter is now 22 and is still the same. It's just her personality. I think the mattress in your room is a good idea, my friend did this with her daughter and it worked really well. Also someone mentioned audio books, this at least stopped our daughter getting out of bed. For some strange reason if I got ready for bed, pyjamas and dressing gown, at the same time as my daughter she must have thought I was going to bed and settled quicker. I use lavender essential oil if I can't sleep but I don't know if this helps busy little boys :) I hope both get plenty of sleep soon. Take care of yourself.
Ali xx
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Sarah · 565 weeks ago

Hugs to you Nicole. I read your post and all of the comments with great interest because we (parents) all go through these phases at one time or another. How tiring and frustrating they are! Hang in there! There are so many great ideas in all of these comments. I, like many of the others commenting here, wonder if your little guy is feeling anxious about Papa not being there (may not be the only reason for not sleeping, but certainly must make it more difficult). Sometimes just some words to reassure him about this and perhaps trying to find a special Papa time elsewhere in the day or week could help… Also, it has often helped my kids to go to sleep with one of Papa's T-shirts or something of his to cuddle (when he works night shifts). Some sleepy-time herbal tea after supper with a good book also helps my kids to relax. Good luck!
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Amanda · 565 weeks ago

There is nothing so hard as a difficult bedtime routine. I just came across this article yesterday. Perhaps it's worth a try? http://www.mommyish.com/2012/04/06/the-answer-to-...
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MamAshGrove · 565 weeks ago

This is so, so difficult- my boy who is now 10 1/2 was very similar to this, and would also repeatedly wake at night. I remember reading that often high energy, high needs kind of kids seem to need the least amount of sleep, draining their parents further! I can't remember when things got better, but they did. I think it was between ages 3- 4 years (he had been this kind of sleeper since birth!). Gradually he slept better. Now he still will occasionally have a night where he has difficulty falling to sleep (but is of course a big boy now!). I used to use calms forte for kids, and chamomile- probably worked somewhat, but honestly I couldn't find any sort of "remedy" that worked as well as I'd have liked, being so tired and desperate! I remember speaking to our pediatrician at the time (we no longer use him) who said he should be in a crib on his own and that would solve everything. In hindsight, I wish I had sought the advice from a naturopath. We now have one who we like, but did not then.
Hugs, and hang in there. Dont' be afraid to ask for help if you are worn out!
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Jessica · 565 weeks ago

All I can say is I know it's rough! But, we never coslept with any of our kids past a few months old, and we are pretty firm about bedtime from the beginning. I would definitely try herbs (bulkherbstore.com snooze mix maybe?) and the bedtime ritual. I KNOW it's hard to be firm and not give in, but I also know how it feels to never get a break. If you keep going like this, you may eventually get to the point where you get angry with him, or at the very least stressed. And I know you don't want that. Just my thoughts, do what you think is best as his mama :)
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Julie · 565 weeks ago

What wise comments are written here! I might suggest another idea, that I found with my youngest-of-three-boys. He truly needed his own space to unwind at the end of the day. With the busy-ness of our household during the day, I came to see that when we'd tuck him in early in the evening (in his own room), he stayed awake and listened to us, babbled, and gently put himself to sleep. I understand his strategy and personality, and we're able to accommodate that. But it isn't for everyone, as people have unique ways of interacting with their world. My son doesn't have a door on his room, he has a gate that opens and closes, and I still have a feeling of proximity with him. I don't try to be really quiet, I just allow the normal background noises of a winding-down household. As the youngest of six children myself, I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting my own space as a safety zone to be myself. My son has no toys in his bedroom, just a few books and cozy blankets, pillows, and a stuffed animal. It works for us. His brothers share a bedroom and they did not engage in this same bedtime habit.
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Anneli · 564 weeks ago

Without reading the other comments I would suggest starting the bedtime routine closer to the time when he actually falls asleep, maybe as late as 9.30 and then put it 15 minutes earlier after some successfull nights (when it takes about 30 minutes to fall asleep or less) and then 15 minutes earlier again after a couple of nights. Good luck! I know how exhausing it can be.
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Sharon · 564 weeks ago

Great suggestions from all of the previous commenters. What time does he get up in the morning? Maybe he needs to get up a bit earlier?
My son has always been very difficult to get to sleep as well. He gets up much earlier than my other children and goes to bed at the same time, he has always needed less sleep. Also, the fact that his Dad is away might be part of the cause if it is a recent disruption in his routine. I highly recommend a nighttime CD if you haven't gone that route yet. We used the same CD every night and it seemed to be very soothing to them and help them drift off. We love "Bedtime with the Beatles" it is a very soothing instrumental version of the Beatles songs, great for nighttime.
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Jennifer · 564 weeks ago

I like the "Big Boy Night" idea. At his age, you can and should feel free to let him unwind by himself. Boys, I have found from my own, are different than girls. Letting him hang out by himself, even if it means fighting his own dragons, is healthy and positive. An audio book--have you listened to the wide and deep repertoire of Jim Weiss?--every homeschooler must discover him! can ease him into his own nightly routine--and your nightly downtime. Don't give until you are all given away--let L. develop his own internal strengths.

Plus, how much fun will it be to help him create his own "Big Boy Space," whether that's in your bedroom or, even better, in his own room!
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Renee · 564 weeks ago

Nicole, I understand so completely that overwhelming exhaustion, that desperate need to have some alone time and sacrifice sleep. It is such a challenging part of this parenting journey.. There has been so much wonderful advice, that I hesitated adding more :-), but I just wanted to share something that worked for us, during a similar phase with our now 5 year old (who also no longer napped from 1 year old and ran, ran, ran ALL day long). After weeks of frustration, we began to think about the situation in a different way, and thought that maybe, maybe the unwillingness to let go into sleep was due to our daughter seizing the opportunity to get her fill of quiet one on one time with me, something she wasn't getting elsewhere in the day. I started making sure that at one point in our daily rhythm we sat down together and read the same story or told the same rhymes. We also found that an earlier bedtime right when she first seemed tired helped too.. Things settled well and it felt like this approach sat so well with a gentle bedtime rhythm. Sending you many warm regards from our little corner of the world :-)
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aimee · 564 weeks ago

My girl was/is similar, she goes down ok for daddy but was a nightmare with me. We are no longer co-sleeping as I needed my space and sleep, and she needed to grow her independence and she actually sleeps better with space.
We did a version of 'big boy night' and I have to say I got pretty tough. We have never used CC or CIO or locked her in, but once she's in bed and its bedtime then there is no more 'parenting'. I do not engage, chat, make eye contact. She is put back in bed, tucked in and I leave. No protracted hugs and cuddles (unless she's woken upset/needs comfort - rather than is procrastinating falling asleep)
We make sure that at some point in the afternoon so she has a chance to chat, tell us her thoughts, cuddles etc. But we do not do that in bed - bed is for sleeping. At least until she settles easily and quickly.
Also since she's in her own room I've found if she does need a little time to settle, she's happy to chat to her bunny or read her Thomas books. She also has music.

Most of all though, hang in there!! It doesn't last forever - it just feels like it :-)
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Heidi · 564 weeks ago

I am the same way, cannot leave them in a room to sleep alone. So my 3 year old goes to sleep in one bed and I move her to my room when I go to bed. I think he may be feeding off your energy so you should try singing him a set amount of songs, say 4 or 5 and then saying goodnight and leaving the room. If he gets out of bed, go in and put him back in and say goodnight and leave. If you do this consistently, he will learn bed time is sleep time and lay still and go to sleep. I have always done this with my two littles. They have a 7:30 bedtime and almost always go to sleep. If my 3 year old takes a nap though she cannot go to sleep at night until 10pm. Not fun!
I know EXACTLY what you mean about getting some mama unwinding time! You must have that! Good luck!
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zania · 564 weeks ago

I empathise... I have an 11 yr old who has never gone to sleep at a 'normal' children's bed time. It was a huge struggle in the early years until he was around 4. He still doesn't go to sleep before 10 (most nights around 11) at the earliest, but since he was old enough to reason with he has stayed quietly in bed. (and yes... I've tried everything!) I really believe all our sleep patterns and needs are different and just as some adults need more sleep than others so it is with children. We found that allowing down time in the evening was an important component of a peaceful life, and at least if he was looking at books or listening to an audio book he was relaxing and winding down. We have made our peace with our son's interesting sleep patterns, but I know not everyone would accept a child awake until 10-11... I wish you luck!
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Nahuatl Vargas · 564 weeks ago

I'm very sorry, yes we all go trough this, I hug you.
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anonymous · 564 weeks ago

My daughter still isn't a sleeper either. At three she needed about 10-11 hr of sleep. You may be able to improve things by setting an early wakeup time and setting bed time 12 hr after wakeup time. I found that if I started bedtime before she was properly exhausted she would rest and relax with me and then get more energy so she would continue to stay awake.

Best of luck
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Erin · 564 weeks ago

No sleep is hard! We co-sleep with all our kids, too, until they are between 2 and 3. I would do a bedtime routine, try to get him down closer to when he actually goes to sleep, and then try this trick that worked with my toddlers who are old enough to understand cause and effect. I would lie down with them in a dark room and sing to them. If they would lie still, I would keep singing. I chose hymns because they are soft and repetitive (well, I chose the ones that are) and I'd sing verse after verse. That is I would sing if the child would be both quiet and still. Any noise or movement (beyond maybe scratching an ear) I would stop singing for a moment. Then they would be still again and I'd start. Or if they weren't still, I'd say "as soon as you are quiet and still, I will sing some more songs". My personal limit for not going crazy was five songs (keep in mind these are hymns with all the verses, so not short songs). If I got to five songs and they still weren't asleep, but had done a good job lying still for the most part, then I'd figure they weren't tired enough and try again later.

Also, definitely ask your husband for tricks. Even have him watch you if he's home one night, see what you are doing, and tell him what to do differently.

Good luck- no sleep is so hard!!
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jenn · 564 weeks ago

Hi Nicole,

I don't know if you will read this but I used to feel the way you do. It was so frustrating and inconvenient, it drove me crazy! Why couldn't they go to sleep? I tried everything, and I do mean everything...warm milk anyone? Back then I even had a husband to help a little...he wasn't really that much help. Now I am a single mom of four, two 8 year olds, one 3 year old, and a four month old. My three year old is going through the phase you are speaking of. I just don't get angry...let go of all expectations, let go of to do lists for nighttime. Do not expect time to yourself....it is actually incredibly freeing. It will pass and then you will say, "wow I have so much time to myself :)" We all have so many things that we want to happen that aren't necessarily supposed to be happening. If you can realize this you will become much happier. I hope this helps you a little. I love your blog :) Best of luck to you.
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megan · 564 weeks ago

There are so many awesome suggestions here. I'm glad I read the contents as i don't usually. My girls have all grown up with either a certain song playlist for bedtime routinely or an audio cd of stories. I think we got them from magic cabin originally. But I don't lay down with them because they want to talk and play. They get snuggles and stories and then to bed worth their music and lights out. NOT laying down with them was the trick, even when they were under 5 and we coslept.

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