Sunday, January 6, 2013

Epic Failure

I have been struggling with this post for a little while now, uncertain if I should go forward with it or not. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that is my journal of sorts and I need to record this to fully digest it and learn from it.






(completely unrelated Epiphany photos)

fail·ure (flyr)
1. a person or thing that is unsuccessful or disappointing
2. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends.
3. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
4. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short.
5. A cessation of proper functioning or performance.
6. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission.
7. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.
8. A decline in strength or effectiveness.
9. the act or an instance of failing

I love my children more than anything in this world and would do anything for them. They are my loves, my light and my blessings from above. I can't think of any better way to spend my life than investing it in my children's lives.
I don't expect my children to behave like miniature adults or well trained dogs. I understand that this used to be the mainstream norm, and it may still be to some, but I have never been one to conform to others standards if they do not go with what feels right in my heart, nor would I expect anyone else to conform to mine. Much to the contrary, I expect my children to behave exactly how they should - like children! Now don't get me wrong here, I believe strongly in boundaries and limitations for them, I think they need them to feel secure and grow, but I believe in parenting them gently. You might be wondering why I am stating all of this. To put it simply - I was told I was a failure at raising my children.  I know my feelings get hurt ridiculously easily but to be called a failure - well that is pretty darn harsh. I am not one to view things (or people) in life as failures but instead as hurdles to overcome or lessons to learn. Failure to me just feels like all hope is lost so what's the use in even trying? 
I am not trying to come across all 'Woe is me' here, please forgive me if it seems that way.
Do I think I am a great parent? NO!! I try my hardest with what I have and ask forgiveness. Do I think I know all there is to know about raising children? Good grief - NO! I think every child is different and every parent knows their personal needs best. I learn as my children grow (and seek wisdom from like minded parents and teachers).
Much to my dismay I let these words enter into my core and eat away at me. I talked it over with loved ones and thought I had moved past it and was on to forgiveness but I found out the very next day that I wasn't over it. The girls were starting to quarrel over something (I can't even remember what it was now) and instead of responding in a calm, gentle manner, I heard those words in my head again, became upset and yelled at my sweet K. As soon as it happened I felt a horrible pit in my stomach. Who was this person? Surely it could not have been me! I walked away to gather my thoughts and then had a heart to heart with her apologizing profusely for allowing myself to behave that way.
I think this hits me so hard because, in my mind, I have always felt like a failure at everything I have ever done - school, work, hobbies, you name it. It's not from anything anyone has ever said to me... I can not put it into words, as I do not completely understand it myself.  I have just never had confidence at all. I still don't. So in this dark space in the back of my head I already view myself as a complete and utter failure. Then to actually hear someone else say those words out loud - my worst fear came to life and it became the truth. Now can I snap out of it and think otherwise? Is it really the truth?!?  I look forward to being back in our haven tomorrow as school starts up again. The comfort I find just being in our school's hallways will feel even more profound and immeasurable.

I think this world of our needs more positive encouragement and love from others rather than criticism and hate. Just imagine how wonderful it could be if we all helped one another out instead of putting each other down. I hope that someday it will be this way. Let the change begin with me. To all of you reading this post:  You are a beautiful person, and a good parent (to your children, fur babies or whoever it may be). Take joy in our gift of life! No matter what the day may bring, you are loved, and the love that fills your heart radiates to all those around you.
p.s - Happy Epiphany!! Keep Calm Craft On will finally return tomorrow! I hope you will all still join me after my two week hiatus! I can't wait to see what you are up to!

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