Thursday, March 1, 2012

small dreams and blogging

You may have noticed that my posts have been pretty irregular lately. There have been a few reasons for this the past couple of months - holidays, birthdays, and deadlines are some of them, being in a bit of a blogging rut is another but I have also felt the need to take the time to be more present with my family and my life, to focus more on the art of mothering and housekeeping. My goodness, I am a horrible housekeeper. I feel so overwhelmed every time I look around this house. I can't handle it... and the fur tumbleweeds all over... One of our cats was almost sent packing a week or two ago because I just can not keep up with her and her 'food stealing, peeing on our organic wool comforter, biting and attacking' ways. At 2,000 square feet this house is just too big for our family of 5 (+7 animals). Perhaps if we had the time or money to fix up this 'falling apart around us' place (I can't even call a home), I might be feeling better but for as long as we live in this area of Oregon, it just won't ever change. I am too ashamed and embarrassed to have people come over to our house and this is really hindering our social time that we (ok, really it's me) so badly need. We are hoping to maybe try to put the house on the market this summer and move into a teeny, tiny, simple home. What we dream of is a little one room log cabin but with a second story for the bedrooms (I kid you not). That is a dream to me, even with our desires for a large family. I just need a small space and love the idea of us all being close. K's interpretation of our dream home - a one room cabin with one person sleeping in bed and the other cooking at the wood stove, and a tree inside 'just because'. I felt the need to take this pressure off of myself of needing to take pictures by a certain day or spending the day not noticing things my wonderful children do, due to being self absorbed in thoughts on what I should post about tonight. I was allowing myself to become stressed out over blogging - which is ridiculous. This is meant to be an outlet and a way to reach out. I didn't like how much time I was spending on the computer instead of focusing on the beauty around me and tasks at hand that needed attending to (I wish I was one of those people that could whip up a post in minutes but by the time I upload my pictures and type up what's on my mind - with at least 3 interruptions from our cats and/or our dogs - it's been at least an hour). There have been two really great rather recent posts on blogging and what is has turned into as of late. These were both pretty spot on with what I have been feeling lately. If you have the time, please check them out. One of them is from my friend Kyrie who always speaks so eloquently from her heart and the other is this post from Buttons Magee. I hope I didn't come across too dark and dismal as that isn't the case at all. I just thought maybe I should shed some light as to where I have been at. I think it's just a big old rut and it soon shall pass. Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your continued kind words and thoughts. Love to you all!

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Posted by FrontierDreams at 11:21 PM
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Jayne · 682 weeks ago

Goodness, I always think how lovely your house looks, so beautifully natural, and how mine doesn't measure up! Funny how blogging becomes more pressure that we put on ourselves, about how we are never 'good enough'. I read somewhere (don't remember where) that a large part of motherhood is guilt - I can agree with that!! If I spend heaps of time with the children, then I feel guilty that the house is a mess; if I do all the housework, I feel guilty about neglecting the children. If we go out too much, not enough down time; don't go out enough, they are missing social opportunities. Boy, add in homeschooling (which is a whole other bundle of guilt!!) and sometimes I don't know how to function! But it seems to me that you are doing a FANTASTIC job (as are we all, if we can let ourselves believe it) and I wouldn't change a thing. We all get in a rut (I am in one right now - and desperately thinking that a change of house will be the answer) but I guess we have to ride it out.
Blessings to you - I, for one, find you an inspiration to me and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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kaelee · 682 weeks ago

We live in a Cabin that consists of a main floor with a kitchen, living area, and bathroom that is all basically open, a loft above that is big enough for a full bed, or possibly two twins in the future, and then a ladder leads below the main level to a bedroom that the three of us share. A small room behind that is used for closet & utilities. I go back and forth between thinking it is too big or too small More often than not it is a disaster. If I am not wishing for a smaller house, I am at least wishing for less stuff, and slowly but surely I am clearing the clutter away. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there will always be dirty dishes in the sink, there will always be laundry to do, and there will most likely always be something that needs to be fixed. I think we all have these housekeeping difficulties, we just don't talk bout it. If I want to have people over I spend a day or two cleaning, and that is probably the only time I really get it done!
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Maria · 682 weeks ago

First time I read your blog and I don't know you, but oh how I know theese feelings! Sending you lots of good thoughts :-)
1 reply · active 682 weeks ago
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Mama Forestdweller · 682 weeks ago

Hi, Nicole ~ thanks for this post, I didn't find it dark and dismal at all...I found myself nodding along the whole time - I can really relate! I have been feeling this way lately, too...some days I have to remind myself that blogging isn't my job, it's my creative space, a place for connection. For a while I was putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself about it Which is silly, because that's the absolute last thing I need! Or I read other people's opinions on their blogs and then feel afraid to say things, or to not say things...to have my life seem this way or that way...gaaah!

I'm doing my best to take a step back from that mindset, and not overthink it. It's feeling good to let go of the pressure, to blog (or not blog) on my own time, and have fun with it :)
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Gae · 682 weeks ago

Dear Nicole,
I totally get it. We live in a very large house with our lots of kids and still it seems to be a burden. There is still always mess and stuff to clean up. I have lived in a small house too with our large family and we had the same issues. I think it is just family life, and especially if we encourage creativity in our home not only with our selves but with the children too! Just my opinion though.

We can become focused on getting a post our daily and I admit I have stepped back from that daily habit. It takes me a long time too to get a post up with interruptions as well from those precious little ones who live with me, for which I am sooooo very grateful and feel most blessed.

I do love your posts and hope your family is feeling better now, wanted to comment on the last post but got busy too, :)
Many blessings to you
Gae
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Nat · 682 weeks ago

You're right - blogging shouldn't be a chore and if it becomes one then it is definitely a good idea to take that pressure off.

I live in a very small flat, and my dream house is much larger, but then I am a person that likes lots and lots of space ;) I can totally see why a smaller, simpler house would be perfect too!
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Mackenzie Haydu · 682 weeks ago

Oh goodness do I get what you're saying!! We bought our house thinking we were going to be leading a certain kind of life...and boy where we wrong! Now we are struggling financially, asking Saint Joseph to have our teeny tiny house on some acres ready for us as soon as He says it's time to move...It is a good motivator for me to clear out all of the "stuff" we don't need but boy is it hard to keep clean!! Not that I ever do, but just the trying is constant. We long for our tumbleweed house (have you seen them? We like the 5-7 hundred square feet size, with the addition of a pantry space, a wrap around porch and maybe a third teeny tiny bedroom tucked "somewhere"....the dream is starting to be a vision....hang in there sweetheart!
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NinnyNoodleNoo · 682 weeks ago

(((Nicole)))

Having lived in a house that was falling apart and full of black mould (never ending fight that one) with little prospect of getting it fixed (after my husband walked out and spent the following 2 years avoiding any responsibility towards his children or the mortgage at all) and with 7 of us in it in (a 3 bed terrace) - myself, my four children, a young man (friend of my eldest sons) who had been kicked out and had nowhere else to go (save for a placement in a foster home in a city some distance away) and a friend who's marriage had broken down and had found herself homeless, I know the feeling of being too embarrassed to invite people round (although my closest friends came anyway, bringing dishes to share and warmth and love - and I am forever thankful for their support in the hardest of years for some time).

In the end the stress of it all made me ill - even with the help of my friend who was staying with me. I took the decision to ask the mortgage provider to repossess.

It was a HUGE decision.

But it was the right one, because although, in some ways, we jumped from the frying pan into the fire (becoming temporarily homeless, moving to a very 'difficult' area, etc) other things started to happen. There was a subtle shift and slowly and steadily things have been getting better.

Sometimes, even though people might think you're crazy, it's worth taking that step out into the unknown.

Oh yes, I still dream, like you, of a simple home in the country with space to keep the goats and ducks I've wanted since I was a child (I worry about reliance on gas and electric and piped water), but that step into the unknown has made all the difference to our lives and we now find ourselves in a place that is probably the most comfortable place we've been in for very, very many years.

I know it isn't forever (and this can make it hard to settle, sometimes) but it's for NOW.

Maybe that move will be just the stepping stone you all need towards a true home of your dreams.

And gah to naughty cats - one of mine went through a few weeks of peeing on our sofa - it was terrible and I don't think I've ever gone through so much bicarb! She's settled down again now (although is still a grumpy madam towards the other cats in the house).
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Marta · 682 weeks ago

I really understand what you mean. We only have a flat on the 1st floor but we can use a big garden too. But it is not ours and it does not really feel like home too, because of our neighbours who always looks for trouble. It is sad but we have to manage it a couple of years as long as I am not working....we will not be able to by something without the second salary....
But...I do not think you should be ashamed of your house. It is maybe horrible outside, but inside....ohhh, it really feels like home when I see your pictures!
I wish you all the best!
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Elizabeth · 682 weeks ago

You did not sound too dark at all. You sounds very transparent and honest, that takes courage. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. While reading your post I thought of 3 other bloggers I read and wanted to pass on their blogs to you.
http://walkslowlylivewildly.com/ Sara is an inspiring intentional mom who adores living in smaller places. Her pictures (Flickr) and design sense are fab.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/ Ann is a farmer's wife whose book has changed my perspective on the blessings of each day. She also has amazing photos.
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Nadja · 682 weeks ago

I've been slowing down on the blogging for Lent, also trying to get the home in order and put blogging in its proper place. If it feels like "one more thing I have to do", then maybe I am losing sight of my original reasons for blogging. We bloggers get so worried about those infernal "numbers" sometimes! So fearful to lose followers or see a decline in page views. We shouldn't become slaves to the blog.

We live in a large house, and our new house will be just as large, but with more storage in the attic. The bedrooms will be small, but the "public" rooms large. My reason is in thinking ahead to my 6 kids becoming teens--I want there to be room for 6 young adults (and two not-so-young) in our living room, dining room and kitchen. My sister will be living next door with her family of 6 and my mom, so I want space enough for family gatherings. What I do not want lots of space for is stuff.

Well, I don't know what your house looks like outside the frame, but it always looks pretty nice to me! I have a falling-apart house, too--and a bathroom that has been in a state of partial renovation for at least three years! Peeling, ugly wallpaper, yucky carpets and vinyl floors, awful mini-blind on most of the windows. For years I was too busy with little ones to do much, and now, with a new house being built, I have no inclination (saving my energies for the new place!)

Take your break,--Lent is a good time for focusing more inward, on your relationship with God.
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cindy · 682 weeks ago

Hang in there Nicole. Remember, this should be a place to share joys, not a chore to keep you up at night and distracted during the day. Come when you can and we will be here even if it's once every 3 months :)

And from someone who lives in 300 square feet with 4 people... all I can say is make sure your outdoor space in that dream house is fabulous, because that's what it's all about in small living.

Be well and take care of yourself my dear!
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Natalie · 682 weeks ago

We live in a medium sized house in the city. My husband thinks it is too small for the four of us and our "stuff", and I think it is way to big for us because we have too much stuff and there is always, always something that needs fixing. This week we started getting rid of furniture. Furniture we have had for years and have kept because it's what we started out with, or it came from so-and-so's mother. We have done one room so far, and are loving it. We plan to go through one room, or one area a week, and be ruthless. It is something I have been working on for a year or two, but I didn't ever get rid of things that came from his side of the family. Now that he is in on the action, we are going to make a big dent. Because our long term plan is also to go somewhere smaller, with some land, and do things more simply (with more hard work though) instead of constantly spinning in circles to get "everything" done, when in reality what we really want to do is just spend more time as a family. Thank you so much for sharing this post.
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Elisa · 682 weeks ago

How you feel about your house is how I feel about mine. There's so much pressure today to be so many things to so many people. The opportunity to "see" into someone else's life is so much greater - yet, we're still only seeing a packaged slice. It is important to do what you're doing, taking time. Kudos to you!
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dogretro · 682 weeks ago

You have said many many times that you do not like your house, so I think the idea of selling it is a positive one. So very hard to make a home when your house does not feel like one :( If it is not fitting you, try and move. As for the cat, no way would/could dh and I put up w/ all of that! No shame from me if you got rid of him. We re-homed a cat right before dd2 was born 2 years ago b/c he started spraying. Nope, not gonna tolerate that, sorry kitty! He got adopted by a crazy cat lady, so he probably has a great life, haha!
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CrunchyCatholicMomma · 682 weeks ago

Here is my saying and I am going to embroider it and frame it. If you want to see me, come anytime. If you want to see my house, make an appointment. I promise if God ever granted me a visit with you, the last thing I would care about is your home : )
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Karen · 682 weeks ago

This seems to be a common theme these days. I really think that the time of year also plays a big part in one's feelings!
Your choices are wise ones.
Take care of yourself!
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Kelly · 682 weeks ago

Yes, your life and family come first! ( I definitely would have a hard time keeping up with such a large house. And so many pets, wow! ) Thank you for opening up about this. I love your blog and your openness. I'm a new blogger and I'm not sure yet how it will fit into my life. But Frontier Dreams is beautiful and your readers will be here when you feel inspired to post! :)
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CarpeDyem · 682 weeks ago

I feel as though I could have written 90% of your post - all bar the wanting of a log cabin - something I haven't thought about! I would love to have a home of our own again. We have been taken in to my parents house, as I didn't want to go back to work after the arrival of our daughter and couldn't keep our home on without my wage coming in. Long Story. We live in idyllic rural surroundings now, sandwiched between sea and hills. We have one small room to call our living room (perhaps 14' x 16') and a bedroom for us and one for our little one. Life can be very difficult for us most of the time, but we make of it what we can. I try to blog about 5 times per week, but have slackened off this last week due to tiredness. It's all a balancing game. I find that blogging can give, amongst other things, love and support, shares and celebrates courage. Keep up with it - when the time is right!
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heathersf · 682 weeks ago

nicole. i am a long time reader and this is my first comment! i have a small house (half the square footage of yours) with my husband, two kids, and dog. i love it. it seems people constantly think my home is "too small" and folks seem to have this american notion that success means a big house. i love and revel in my cozy home. thank you for reminding me to appreciate my small home.
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cindy · 682 weeks ago

Hang in there Nicole. Remember, this should be a place to share joys, not a chore to keep you up at night and distracted during the day. Come when you can and we will be here even if it's once every 3 months :)
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emily · 682 weeks ago

Hi there. I just want to share my thought that it is best to blog when it suits you and don't give yourself guilt for when it doesn't! There is so much to love about life,no need to prove it. ;) Be kind to yourself and you will be the best kind of role model. Perfection is not something that we should expect of one another, it is not healthy. Life is a glorious and messy endeavor. Embrace the imperfections, they have so much to teach us! I can say this with confidence, as my home is a true disaster right now. smiles...
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Kalista · 682 weeks ago

Oh, mama! I think most of us can relate. We live in a house that hardly feels like a home...everytime I open a cupboard, I worry about the door falling off! I can't wait to move out and start putting together a real home for my babies. My mom always says that we must bloom where we're planted...and that's my mantra these days. If we can't be happy where we are, how will we ever really be happy?

I think its wonderful that you rocognize that you need to put your focus on your family...a lot of people don't!
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Jennifer · 682 weeks ago

Nicole, I have so much sympathy for your post. I, too have three children, and my baby is just a little behind L--she was born at the end of April, not the end of February. Your art, your photography, these are an inspiration to me, and also, I think you will be very pleased when your little ones are big that you have such beautiful memories to look back on. My DH and I have been so appalled, lately, because we take fewer and fewer photos of our darlings every year--we probably do not have any photos of our two big kids during the whole time that I was pregnant with F.

Also, we live in just 850 square feet--two bedrooms and one bathroom--and we are always complaining about the noise level--even the kids! We are hoping to move to a larger space, although I hope we can furnish it simply and with a natural design.

Anyhow, this was just a quick note to say how much I appreciate your work, and how I sympathize with the notion that all things "family" do not fit in a tidy little box--especially a house-shaped box. How ever often you choose to post, I will follow you.
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Laura · 682 weeks ago

A few months ago when I was having difficulty juggling everything my mum said that I should take a break from blogging. I didn't really 'get' her for ages what she meant, but I see now that when I blog I create an image of what I want my (our) life to be like, I create who I would like to be and then I feel an immense pressure to live up to myself, if you know what I mean. It's as if I have a to be a certain way and on my best, green, organic, waldorf inspired, home-made behaviour because the world is watching. Then I realised I just don't have to be :-) Hope you feel better soon, hugs L xx

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