Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Slump









I am the textbook definition of a creature of habit. I need rhythm, routine, and ritual to flourish. Without it I am lost.

I am in quite possibly the biggest slump ever. Ho-hum. It's not due to the holiday rush, although I am sure that isn't helping. Every year around this time I am grateful that we don't shop at malls or need to go anywhere outside of our home for gifts, yet every year I forget that even though we don't do those things we still have to deal with them via traffic, insanity at the grocery store, etc. But no, this slump isn't from all of that. It began in September shortly after school started. I lost all rhythm, everything just seemed off. I wrote it off as just being the awkward time period of adjusting back into the school rhythm but it just keeps lingering. K is even in school an extra half hour this year but it feels like I just don't have enough time to do anything during the day. My time seems so chopped up - as soon as I get started with something it's time to get back in the van and drive to school, again. Baby L barely gets a nap in anymore. Every time he wants to fall asleep we are either driving to drop K off at school or pick her up from school so he can't fall asleep or he only gets a fifteen minute nap.

I honestly have no clue what I am doing with my time, as of late. Normally if I am busy cleaning or organizing then my crafting time falls behind and vice versa but right now none of the above is getting done...I am getting nothing done. Seriously, nothing! This is in every aspect of my daily life, too. No cleaning, knitting, sewing, crafting, correspondence... I feel like I am not spending enough time with my little ones, too. I mean, it's not like I have ever been very efficient with these things but, I would have some sense of accomplishment by the end of each day. Now, I just feel like I am digging myself into a deeper hole at at the end of the day. Knitting is my usual sanity saver, but somehow in the slump I am in, I have lost my knitting rhythm. It takes an effort for me to pick it up. I just don't enjoy it right now. Blasphemy, I know!

I have lost all desire and motivation to do anything at all and if I somehow do manage to motivate myself to start something, I end up not finishing it. It is as if I am not present in my own life right now. It's so absurd, it's silly. I mean, for the past few months I have been checking out book after book at our local library only to bring them home and have them sit on my desk for three weeks and then I need to bring them back without ever even looking at them.
As far as cleaning goes, our house is in such a disastrous state I can't even begin. I have threatened to get rid of all of our animals on more than one occasion the past month or two. (that would never really happen, though) We have too much stuff, again. My head feels cluttered and I can't think straight. I get rid of things and try not to bring anything into our home yet they still appear, either by me replacing them with more stuff or others doing the same.

Ack! What is wrong with me? I feel the need to say it's not my sweet little ones at all, it's just something within me. I know that being a Mama is work and I may whine about it from time to time but I LOVE it and wouldn't give it up for the world. If it was up to me I would always have tiny ones around in my home. I don't know, I am at a loss. I just need to figure out how to snap out of it and get back to living in the moment. Now, how does one do that??

Share/Bookmark
Posted by FrontierDreams at 11:33 PM
Labels:

Comments (63)

Loading... Logging you in...
Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout
  • Logged in as
0 Vote up Vote down
dogretro's avatar

dogretro · 694 weeks ago

Guuuuuurl, we are in such similar places! I am getting Christmas crafting and cleaning done, but, no, it is never enough. When I am able to clean, I am not playing w/ my kids & I don't normally want to play with them on a good day, so.. *sigh* It doesn't have to be super-spotless, but, yes, it DOES have to be clean! And my oldest isn't even old enough to be in school, so I don't have that excuse!

I can tell you, for me, it is a direct result of having three kids. Now, I know you have had three for a while, but think about it: Between the time that L was born and school let out, he was very tiny, didn't try and fling himself out of your arms, and could sleep anywhere. Now you are trying to get all of this stuff done w/ your littles around and you have the intrusion of school. I love our Morning Garden class and I love the other weekly activities we do, but I am really really really feeling that we are not spending enough time at home. We do not have enough days where we don't leave home at all, and we had lots of those days during the summer. Between the things we have to do (appointments, school, etc) and the things we want to do (visit friends, go out to play, etc), we are doing too many things. We have always planned to homeschool and this "school year" so far has definitely cemented that decision for me. Starting next week, we have holiday break from MG and my weekly craft group. I am really really looking forward to this break. MG is paid for the rest of the year, so we're not quitting that, but I'm thinking of quitting craft group & making sure to schedule appointments only on certain days of the week. Like, only taking appointments on Fridays or something like that. I know that my problem in inside me, too. Hopefully winter break will give us both the space that we need to fix our problems! {{{hugs}}}
0 Vote up Vote down
Hannah's avatar

Hannah · 694 weeks ago

I really empathize with what you're feeling. My father is a firm believer in astrology, and he tells me every year to watch out for late October because it is like quicksand for me. I always want to brush it off, but inevitably things start to go awry around that time. In different ways every time too, so there is no planning it! I also get SAD (seasonal affective disorder), have you considered that? It makes me feel sleepy, slow and confused. I feel like a misplaced bear, looking for a place to hibernate in a busy train station. After reading your blog tonight I read another (In my nightly three blog readathon !) that I felt really commented on this feeling and might be helpful. Here is the link: http://www.sparklestories.com/12/sanguines-in-phl...
I hope it helps :)
0 Vote up Vote down
Kristychip's avatar - Go to profile

Kristychip · 694 weeks ago

Wow... I could have written this post a few weeks ago. Be kind to yourself. You'll get through this slump. Thanks for having the courage to share how you're feeling - I think most of us can relate, but few of us are brave enough to actually admit to it. You're in my prayers. : )
+2 Vote up Vote down
Carly's avatar

Carly · 694 weeks ago

Aww... I think you are being too hard on yourself. I love your blog because of the serenity and familial harmony that comes across in all your pictures. You have been productive with all your projects and keeping this blog going with such inspiration - you don't always have to be perfect ;). Finding a routine is probably difficult right now as a previous commenter said because you have 3 children who have different needs to sync up and your own rhythm sometimes gets lost trying to get their needs seen to. Take care of yourself as much as you obviously take care of those three precious children of yours!
Is there a carpooling or ride-sharing system at the school? If you could cut down on a few trips you make each week, you may find a lot more time and some peace of mind.
0 Vote up Vote down
Linda's avatar - Go to profile

Linda · 694 weeks ago

Sending you love and light dear friend, you are an amazing soul.
xo
Linda
0 Vote up Vote down
Prairie Girl's avatar - Go to profile

Prairie Girl · 694 weeks ago

Oh friend, I understand completely. You are not alone. I hear you on drive times/nap times. And the housecleaning - some days I have it in me, other days I tell myself just keep the kitchen clean. Why some days are so much harder to keep ones head above water, I am not sure.

But honestly, I think we go through seasons as Mamas. Some seasons we can cope with it all and still have energy to burn. Other seasons, we have to prioritize our energies. A lot easier said than done. But give yourself grace. Your children are loved and they know they are loved. So even though it may not feel like it - you are a total success.

And may I be honest for a moment? I'm not sure if this is applicable, but give yourself permission to slow or stop knitting for awhile if it is causing you undue stress. That happens to me sometimes. And I find if knitting has stopped being a relief and has turned into a burden, I give my needles a few days of rest. Usually after about a week, I find they jump back into my hands!

It will get better, I promise! Hugs to you!

xoxo
+1 Vote up Vote down
Ulrike's avatar

Ulrike · 694 weeks ago

I can totally relate, I have three kids too, there are days when I feel I spend the day driving around or doing nothing - nothing gets done, the house is a mess, I'm cranky, tranquility gone. In such times, I take very small steps. Even if I don't manage to do my proper routine, I break it up in very small bits and do a little bit every day. If it's only a little bit, I feel better. I write to do lists, with just the necessary things and small chores, I tick them off and it makes me feel better. Also, sometimes, you just need a break. It's impossible to be efficient all the time - efficiency and being organized will come again, they will stay, they will, eventually take a holiday again.
+1 Vote up Vote down
Jennifer's avatar

Jennifer · 694 weeks ago

I agree with pp that 3 kids at very different stages makes a big difference. Also, have you considered that this haze and "down" feeling might be hormone related? I know, for me, post partum was no problem. It was a year or so later when my hormones started trying to get back on there normal cycle that I felt like I was in a funk I couldn't get out of. Either way, give yourself some grace. It won't always feel this way!
0 Vote up Vote down
Natalia's avatar - Go to profile

Natalia · 694 weeks ago

I have many a day like this - when I know I have been doing stuff all day, and yet when it comes to recall what it is I have achieved ... it feels like nothing. And I home educate my son so I don't even have the 'excuse' of having to do the school run each day!
As others have said, be kind to yourself. You will get your rhythm back, just let things flow along for now. As long as you are all fed, housed and loved the rest will follow.
+1 Vote up Vote down
Lucy's avatar - Go to profile

Lucy · 694 weeks ago

Depression? No longer enjoying things, feeling that there is no time/you are slower, letting the home slide, not feeling like you anymore, feeling there is something wrong inside you, struggling to do hobbies you know you love - all sound like depression to me. As a stay at home mother and - I think - quite a perfectionist, you are " at risk" for depression. Ask me how I know!! Anyway maybe just think about how you can best help YOU. I wish you peace and joy.
+1 Vote up Vote down
OKIFOLKI's avatar - Go to profile

OKIFOLKI · 694 weeks ago

Whenever I feel like this I do a ritual cleansing of my body, spirit and home, followed (once I feel cleansed - usually after a day or three) by a warming, energising set of rituals to get me and things around me moving in a positive direction again. As a pagan, this is straightforward and easily accomplished using herbal tea, fasting and other dietary measures, herbal baths, incense and/or oil burning and more formal ritual practices involving meditation and visualisation . For you as a Christian it will probably involve slightly different methods, but there are lots of things you can do to similar effect such as prayer, visiting holy places (like your church), speaking with your minister and making a conscientious move towards inviting God into your life to firstly cleanse and then refresh these areas of your daily life.

It could well be in the stars, your hormones or the lack of daylight as described by others here, so please keep an eye on this to watch out for signs of causes that might need medical intervention, but if you're not feeling TOO depressed (as in clinically) then I would set aside a few days.... or at least a small portion of time each day over the course of a few days... to get yourself back on track. I hope you start to feel things moving in a positive direction very soon. Wishing you peace, comfort and joy from my end. :)
+1 Vote up Vote down
Jenna's avatar - Go to profile

Jenna · 694 weeks ago

Wise words Okifolki. I second everything said.
I've been there Nicole: three kids in three years. It's a handful to juggle (no matter how much you love the "job"). Peace to you soon my friend, and thank you for blogging so honestly about it. I know it would have been helpful for me to read when I was going through the same thing.
+1 Vote up Vote down
Megan's avatar - Go to profile

Megan · 694 weeks ago

This sounds like depression to me; or many symptoms of it. Burnout is a big part. Perhaps this is your own way of telling yourself to slow down.
Take the time to rest and let things slide and be. Pretty soon, you'll be able to tackle just one little thing and it will make you feel like you are back in the game. Slowly slowly! In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. Revel in the "nothingness" and then tackle one thing. My best advice as I've been there many times! :)
+1 Vote up Vote down
Leanne's avatar - Go to profile

Leanne · 694 weeks ago

I related to your post so much. I too have three kids, one of them is a baby. Other boys are 9 & 7. I feel like all I do is clean up other people's messes, take care of everyone else, do the shopping, do the laundry........you know. Where is there time for me? Never. I too have a pile of library books. Ho hum. For me, it's the early setting of the sun. I'm sure of it. I just miss that beautiful daylight and my boys running around outside. Hang in there...you're not alone!!!!!! Oh...what else REALLY helps me is scheduling a coffee date with my mom friends. It works every time. Had one yesterday and I'm a new woman this morning. Good luck!
0 Vote up Vote down
grace davenport's avatar - Go to profile

grace davenport · 694 weeks ago

This year my five year old started going to her Montessori school five days a week--although only until noon, and I have to say that I feel very disjointed with it--I only have two, but our rhythm is off, because I feel like I am always running off to pick up Elsa, and running around like a madwoman in the morning. I feel like our summer had such a beautiful, peaceful rhythm. Anyway, I am looking forward to the break, and I am thinking seriously about homeschooling next year. (There is not a Waldorf school nearby, although a nice homeschooling community).
0 Vote up Vote down
eidolons's avatar - Go to profile

eidolons · 694 weeks ago

It sounds like you need a break and maybe aren't even aware of it. I go through periods where everything seems a chore - the things I love, the things I don't love so much. I agree with an above commentor, having three wee ones - and one so young as L plays a part. My most memorable slump was when the Beast was at that pesky trasition stage. He wanted to do things with me and his brothers, but just wasn't *capable* yet. He was frustrated. I was frustrated. And then there was the lack of sleep (er. there still is a lack of sleep, really).

Just take it easy, Nicole. Breathe deeply. Stare out of windows, count baby toes. Relax, even if it seems impossible. I think you'll find your stride again in no time.
0 Vote up Vote down
MackenzieH's avatar - Go to profile

MackenzieH · 694 weeks ago

Same. The big shift for me is that my hubby is deployed for the next 10 months...and now I'm worried my baby has thrush...blah. I have a plan though! Lots of large black trash bags to the dump and charity...and simple cleaning goals. Like, 15 minutes (USE A TIMER!) in this space, doing this particular job. 15 minutes can be hard to come by somedays, and some days it is just a tiny amount of time. But set tiny little goals so you can achieve them...I think that really helps! Hugs to you my dear...this too shall pass!
0 Vote up Vote down
MrsBritKnit's avatar

MrsBritKnit · 694 weeks ago

Dear Nicole, it sounds to me like you may be suffering from clinical depression: post-natal or otherwise. I have been through this twice (I am a stay-at-home mum with three children) and would ask you to please consider talking about this with your family doctor. If you have been feeling this way for more than just a little while it sounds more serious than a 'slump'.
0 Vote up Vote down
kate's avatar

kate · 694 weeks ago

I would say this is none of my business, except that you have brought it up before so I'll go there. What about your husband in all this? I know he has to work crazy hours, as you've mentioned, but does he get vacation days, ever? Could he take a day or two off so you can "reset"? From what you post it just seems you do the lion's share of the work on the homefront, that's all. And you can't gogogo all the time with no break, you just can't.
0 Vote up Vote down
Woodland Woolens's avatar - Go to profile

Woodland Woolens · 694 weeks ago

I agree with other posters---- pp depression for sure. It's totally commoin and affects so many women each year that it is worth looking into. Especially where you are describing not knitting or doing other things that you used to enjoy. The state of choas in your home you are feeling is also totally normal of a three kid thing--- but it could also be pp depression.

Also I don't know if you'd ever be interested, but have you considered homeschooling? When faced with the decision to send Dakota to a Waldorf school, I opted out, because to me all of the things they were teaching at the school; lot's of free time/playtime, cooking, cleaning, crafts, outside time in nature, and a huge emphasis on a home like envirionment---- well I could provide all those things AT HOME! There are a lot of Waldorf homeschooling currics. out there. It might be worth considering if you are so sick of driving in the van and your poor baby not getting a nap.
0 Vote up Vote down
Woodland Woolens's avatar - Go to profile

Woodland Woolens · 694 weeks ago

Being at home with all three of my little ones under 5, plus this PG, has been a lifesaver, we craft, I knit at naptimes, read blogs, cook, clean, read to my little ones and otherwise enjoy our time together. If I had to leave my house and drive/pick up all day I'd go insane.

It's worth checking out.

Blessings to you during this time, you will feel better soon I'm sure ;)

xoxoxox

Samantha (Woodland Woolens)
0 Vote up Vote down
Sarah's avatar

Sarah · 694 weeks ago

Oh Nicole!
My hear goes out to you! I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but thank you for your willingness to share this. It happens to us all! I know you turn to your morning run for precious time to yourself, but have you ever considered trying something a little more restorative from time to time? Spending one of those mornings in meditation or prayer and I would suggest some restorative yoga. More yoga studios are offering this class (and many are offering holiday specials) or there are some great websites for instruction. I really like Heather Fontenot's posts on restorative yoga. It is great for those feeling stressed and in need a of a little reminder to be more gentle with ourselves. It's benefits are immense! You are an amazing mother and I know that things will start looking up for you soon! Take care.

Peace,
Sarah
Loading...
+1 Vote up Vote down
saganaga's avatar - Go to profile

saganaga 77p · 694 weeks ago

I found there was a huge difference once the 3rd child was added, you're totally outnumbered !
also what about this time of year? being the longest nights, lack of sunlight is huge on our bodies... maybe taking some vitamin D3 and/or light therapy would be helpful?
just some wisdom from my own experience...
0 Vote up Vote down
Emily's avatar

Emily · 694 weeks ago

If you need to take a break from blogging, I'm sure everyone would understand. Could it be that you have high expectations for your self because of blogs (yours or others)? Or that blogging takes up the time and attention you need to focus on family and home right now?

I'm remembering something the Ginny at Small Things said. She said her husband has had to remind her to go back and look through her blog, reminding her of just how much she does, how crafty she is, etc. It's just an idea.

Peace and Joy to you.

Post a new comment

Comments by

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...