Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am the textbook definition of a creature of habit. I need rhythm, routine, and ritual to flourish. Without it I am lost.
I am in quite possibly the biggest slump ever. Ho-hum. It's not due to the holiday rush, although I am sure that isn't helping. Every year around this time I am grateful that we don't shop at malls or need to go anywhere outside of our home for gifts, yet every year I forget that even though we don't do those things we still have to deal with them via traffic, insanity at the grocery store, etc. But no, this slump isn't from all of that. It began in September shortly after school started. I lost all rhythm, everything just seemed off. I wrote it off as just being the awkward time period of adjusting back into the school rhythm but it just keeps lingering. K is even in school an extra half hour this year but it feels like I just don't have enough time to do anything during the day. My time seems so chopped up - as soon as I get started with something it's time to get back in the van and drive to school, again. Baby L barely gets a nap in anymore. Every time he wants to fall asleep we are either driving to drop K off at school or pick her up from school so he can't fall asleep or he only gets a fifteen minute nap.
I honestly have no clue what I am doing with my time, as of late. Normally if I am busy cleaning or organizing then my crafting time falls behind and vice versa but right now none of the above is getting done...I am getting nothing done. Seriously, nothing! This is in every aspect of my daily life, too. No cleaning, knitting, sewing, crafting, correspondence... I feel like I am not spending enough time with my little ones, too. I mean, it's not like I have ever been very efficient with these things but, I would have some sense of accomplishment by the end of each day. Now, I just feel like I am digging myself into a deeper hole at at the end of the day. Knitting is my usual sanity saver, but somehow in the slump I am in, I have lost my knitting rhythm. It takes an effort for me to pick it up. I just don't enjoy it right now. Blasphemy, I know!
I have lost all desire and motivation to do anything at all and if I somehow do manage to motivate myself to start something, I end up not finishing it. It is as if I am not present in my own life right now. It's so absurd, it's silly. I mean, for the past few months I have been checking out book after book at our local library only to bring them home and have them sit on my desk for three weeks and then I need to bring them back without ever even looking at them.
As far as cleaning goes, our house is in such a disastrous state I can't even begin. I have threatened to get rid of all of our animals on more than one occasion the past month or two. (that would never really happen, though) We have too much stuff, again. My head feels cluttered and I can't think straight. I get rid of things and try not to bring anything into our home yet they still appear, either by me replacing them with more stuff or others doing the same.
Ack! What is wrong with me? I feel the need to say it's not my sweet little ones at all, it's just something within me. I know that being a Mama is work and I may whine about it from time to time but I LOVE it and wouldn't give it up for the world. If it was up to me I would always have tiny ones around in my home. I don't know, I am at a loss. I just need to figure out how to snap out of it and get back to living in the moment. Now, how does one do that??
the other side|