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Monday, July 18, 2016

Judge not

summer nature table L's addition to the nature table Can you guess who added sharks to the nature table? shelter mallard shelter it really wasn't THAT cold rain one of my fav soakers paper bag fun silliness Lately I have been feeling the pull more and more to close myself up and hide myself away from this world. To become a hermit, protecting my empath heart and thin skin from the cruelty outside my home. Granted, I would never really do such a thing but the thought has been there. I am sure Baby F's dislike of any place that isn't our home (well, except the pool and being out in nature) hasn't exactly helped the matter, but I understand and accept that. He is new to this world and still learning what it's all about. I don't blame him for not wanting to go out to crowded noisy stores. I don't really like to either but every two weeks I know it must be done if we want to eat, so I venture out.

That brings me to my experience over the weekend. It was payday so we did our usual grocery shopping. Shopping is a family event for us and Kevin and I take the opportunity to get one on one time with our children as we go off to look for things. As I mentioned, Baby F does not like going shopping in the least bit. He'll tolerate it some days but usually Kevin and I take turns wearing or holding him, trying to keep him happy, while the other one shops. Well, we were near the end of our shopping and Baby F lost it. I was wearing him at the time so I took him out and tried everything within my power to comfort him and make him happy but my efforts were in vain. I was on the opposite side of the store of my family so I had to walk over to let them know that I was going to go outside with Baby F and to see if they could finish the shopping for me (there was no cell phone reception in the store, by the way, so I couldn't just call Kevin to let him know). Well, as I was walking through, lovingly holding, kissing and sweetly talking to my crying baby I received a numerous amount of dirty looks, whispers, harsh stares and judgemental eyes. So many, in fact, that I walked the rest of the way with my head down so I wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. I am not going to lie - it hurt! As if it didn't break my heart enough that my poor little guy was miserable and I couldn't calm him. I just don't understand - Why would anyone think that making someone else feel even worse would bring about good?

I feel that it is not my place to judge. I know I have been guilty of being (internally) judgemental in the past and I continue to fight that demon as many of us do. Maybe this day was a reminder of how hurtful it can be. It definitely humbled me down even more. I try to go out of my way when I see a mother struggling and give her a reassuring smile or kind words. Anything to help her through that moment because, really, we have all been there. I feel like it is the least I can do.

 My heart breaks a little for the people that went out of their way to make me feel horrible. Thankfully as I sat outside with tears in my eyes a sweet old man came up and started talking to me. He was telling me all about his ten children and how 3 of them had red hair like mine. I think that man was an angel in disguise.

On another note, some beautiful bird music to meditate on.

Yellow headed black birds:
A red winged black bird (and Baby F singing along):

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Posted by FrontierDreams at 1:19 AM
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Michele's avatar

Michele · 455 weeks ago

Hey girlfriend! Love your photos! HUGS!!! I'm sorry you had a bad weekend! :C I can't believe people were glaring at you just cause your baby was crying! Where's the village! Maybe they were all having a bad day & grumpy-faced. I just feel sorry for others "on the outside" who I sense have clueless & heartless attitudes to my children. But I'm also sensitive like you so its not easy & can hurt even when i try to let things roll of my back. My oldest, far from being a baby (!) threw a public fit while we were traveling last week. Screams not from a sweet baby so not the same situation. But oh the looks & stares. I must have been having a really good day cause i finally had to just laugh out loud at the absurdity & a spectator smiled. Anyways don't let this get you down. Their loss to not "know" your sweet baby & lovingly attached mothering ways. Hugs! 💕 We've been reading Little House on the Prairie & its so odd to read the comments about expectations for children being "seen & not heard". Such a different time! Sending you some love!
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Allison's avatar - Go to profile

Allison · 455 weeks ago

I'm so sorry you were made to feel so hurt! :-( People can be so mean, and so ignorant. When I encounter stuff like this I try to remind myself that is really all it is, ignorance to the way babies and children are supposed to be behave/respond to various situations. Hold your head up knowing you were doing your best in an awful situation. Hugs!
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Chris's avatar

Chris · 455 weeks ago

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It happens to me a l o t! I was traveling with my little one just yesterday, and while going through airport security, they decided to go through her back pack and take out all of her (carefully packed by my daughter) stuffed animals. She l o s t it (as in her control, not the back pack, thank goodness). I will never (ever) forget that long-lasting, ear-piercing scream, and the feeling of fifty heads turning toward us all at once. My poor sweet baby. As I soothed her and helped her calm down, I looked up at a security guard who gave me a terrible look, and in a flash I had a realization, that I'd never had before--I didn't have to look at other adults. All that mattered was my daughter, and I suddenly felt that by not looking at them, I was not giving them that power. I was not allowing them to be hurtful, by not giving them the opportunity for their dirty looks to reach their mark. It was liberating!

And then later the nicest thing happened...when boarding the plane, my sweet girl (still fragile from what happened before, but coping), suddenly burst into tears and screaming as we stepped onto the plane. I knelt down to comfort her, and the two flight attendants did the same thing. They told the people behind us to stand back and wait, and they gave my daughter "wings," and encouraging words, and a visit to the cockpit, where the pilots assured her they would do their best to give her a smooth ride. I was so pleasantly surprised! The flight attendants continued to check on her throughout the flight and gave her lots of encouragement and positive attention. They were my angels in the sky, and I'm so glad the old man angel came to you.

Hang in there, sweet mama. You are wonderful!
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Julie's avatar

Julie · 455 weeks ago

I am sure that man was an angel. We all have the opportunity to be an angel at one time or another. The difference is whether we choose to extend graceful kindnesses or harsh judgment. So glad that gentleman spoke up. Don't quit going out, you may be the angel someone else need. So sorry about the judges- that never feels nice. I always figure that 10 percent of people are jerks.
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Cat · 455 weeks ago

It hurts when we feel judged.....I try to look at the reason why I feel that way when it happens and most times I realize that it really wasn't as many people, but maybe just a couple set me off into projecting judgement or confusing concern with judgement. I have worked hard to not feel like the victim, so I also try to empathize with those judging. Maybe they had a horrible experience of their own at one time and that feeling of shame didn't leave them. Maybe they are not well.....maybe they are so unhappy they don't know how to project anything else. My internal feelings of guilt, shame or frustration add to the mess. So I try to always hold my head up, smile as much as possible through the chaos and keep an empatetic heart for all those hurting. It hurts my heart when others project their pain, but it hurts more because I realize they don't have another way......So I pray that my smile might affect even one person for the better as I leave whatever the situation is. Its hard......and doesn't mean I always walk with grace, but when those angels do descend I know I am alright and I can pray for those who are not.....

I am sorry unhappiness touched you this weekend my dear.
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Ariana W's avatar

Ariana W · 455 weeks ago

Oh I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure it happens to mothers often and your kind enough to take notice of other people (even looking them in the eye) to see their reactions. I know I have received the glares many times - I always worry that it shows society's intolerance to children and the noise they make. I had one of those old men come up to me after my four children were troublesome in the library. He told me that he was from large family (5+) and that he didn't know how his mother did it. God bless folks like that who help make our day a little brighter. Of course I must that before I had children I would look at folks in the grocery store and think, "Oh, my children will never cry like that!" Laughing, let's just say I have been humbled. Many, many times.
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Carol · 455 weeks ago

Great photos. The one of the kids on the bridge made me smile the most I think. How peaceful they look to be in this world of turmoil that we live in. My husband and I were just discussing yesterday how unsafe it is to be going anywhere these days. I know the feeling of a child that is not happy in public and others judging you. It is wrong and speaking to the mother in a nice way can certainly take the pain away from her.
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Trisha F · 455 weeks ago

Why do people do that? If you really love and understand children- when they throw those tantrums there are usually three causes: 1. tired, 2. hungry, 3. spoiled. RARELY is it #3 and I think most parents can usually recognize any of these.
I usually smile at the parents whose kids I can tell are hungry or tired- cause I go through that with my kiddo! I smile cause I get it, I smile cause I've been there, and I smile cause I'm proud of you for being a good parent. :)
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Susan · 455 weeks ago

I used to feel that way when out in public with a sobbing child, until I started riding the bus.

Then I realized there is a fundamental human need to identify:
1) Where's the crying baby?
2) Is the crying baby in trouble, or just tired/hungry/fed up?
3) Is the baby's parent okay?

It's impossible not to check! LOL

Whenever I see a parent on the bus starting to look stressed out, I wish I could tell them that 99% of the people surreptitiously staring are completely sympathetic! We're just making sure parent and child are okay. The other 1%, which might have been who you ran into, are just not terribly empathetic, I guess.

But it made me much less stressed to realize that most people are just checking that everything is okay. :)
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jenlynheb 49p · 455 weeks ago

Oh Nicole... I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. I can't say anything these other lovely commenters haven't already said. I'm over here nodding sympathetically. I hope your week get better from here on out :) My heart is with you dear.
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cathymariequilts 4p · 455 weeks ago

My youngest, now 7, is on the spectrum, and every trip to the store results in something akin to your experience. I too am sensitive and when he was tiny, it would hurt me so much and make feel so frustrated. Frustrated that I couldn't help him, and frustrated that so many were judging me out of ignorance. I learned several lessons over the years, as someone above mentioned, some of the stares, are concerned people ready to help, others are not. Either way, I'm likely to swallow my bile, and ask for help.

But I learned the greatest lesson from another Mom, in my same boat... Ask those who are staring at you to help you in some way. Most people cannot continue to be judgemental or hateful, if you have pleasantly requested their help. And those that already wanted to help, will also graciously get you that needed help.

Hey, can you push my cart and help me put my groceries away in my van, is something I've said more than once if I'm lucky enough to make it to the checkout line before the meltdown starts.

Hey, can you get a manager, I need a small quiet space for my child who is disabled.

Heck I've even asked for things I know we don't need, like I need you to find me a cool wet towel. Or water.

Also use an authoritative voice with the person you are asking for help, Sound like you fully expect that they will comply, most of these folks are bullies, and will back down when you give them the voice, and end up being nice to you....you know the voice...my 12th grade English teacher had the voice...I just try to sound like her :)

Most times they will help, I've had a few times where they just huffed off, but there have been times, it has led to my being able to educate them on autism or sensory processing disorder. You may not fall in either of those categories, but I bet the same strategies would work.
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Frau Kirschkernzeit · 455 weeks ago

I can really understand how bad you must habe been feeling, Nicole! Moments like this are terrible and somehow still linger in our heart many days after...
Sometimes though those looks and whispering is actually not meant as mean as it might seem; I've noticed that especially in moments when really small children are crying people start feeling helpless and anxious for the child and in fact would like to help somehow but don't know how or if they could. Me too, I automatically begin looking for the source of those cries, for I want to be sure that nothing bad is happening without me noticing and helping. I also automatically try to see if the mom's fine or not (one never knows)... I am learning that the world is not as bad as I sometimes feel it is. That people are (normally) not as bad. That they mostly want to help and not to make the situation worse with any concrete reaction (maybe hence the whispering instead of speaking loud and clear?) I know though that sometimes there can be harshe comments that are neither helpful nor fair... (But I've rarely experienced those for God's sake)
Be blessed Nicole! I know you are...
Bora from Switzerland
1 reply · active 455 weeks ago
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Frau Kirschkernzeit · 455 weeks ago

Oh, I forgot my wish ;-) I wish you many more angels like this sweet old man, Nicole! I still remember the old man that once run across the street where I was standing, waiting for the bus with my 3 children (now I have 5). "What a diligent woman!" he shouted while he was walking and I looked around to see to whom he was talking. But he meant ME! "What a diligent woman", he replied (softer this time) when he reached me. I did not know what to say but asked why he'd think so. "Well", he said, "look at your children. You're a MOTHER. And this is the most demanding and most important job of the world. Where would we all be without women who care? Nowhere.?" I never forgot this old man who's died some years ago. He was very loved by the people in our village for his kindness and gentleness, even by the children who used to call his name and some hellos when the walked by his house (even when he was not in sight ;-) )
I still think of his words now and then. And of the power of his encouragement. To me he was an angel as well somehow...
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Dawn's avatar

Dawn · 455 weeks ago

I'm sorry you felt badly. Your baby takes his cues from you, if you are anxious he will become fussy. I believe it is Mother Nature's way of forcing us to get out of situations that makes us anxious. Hold your head up high, you weren't doing anything wrong, your baby was fussy. We've all been there. Perhaps your perspective is that they were glaring at you because you were feeling self conscious. I wouldn't give it another thought. When you feel yourself becoming nervous/anxious take some slow deep breaths and try to relax your shoulders and neck.

Also, as the mother of five children (three of them now teenagers), I learned a long time ago that I DO NOT do my grocery shopping with small children in tow. I could never completely focus on my list and the trip always lasted longer than necessary with me spending more money than intended. My husband and I took turns shopping, while the other stayed home with the kids. I exclusively breastfed, so while I had a nursing infant, he did the shopping with my list. No he didn't always buy the exact brand I wanted, unless I specified, but he we didn't starve and our days were much happier.

I saw a young mom a few weeks ago in the store, she had two toddler/preschool aged boys and a baby in the cart. The boys were off the hook in the store, running and not listening to her. She was yelling at the boys and very obviously frazzled. The more she yelled at them the less they listened to her. (In my opinion, they were simply being boys, she had a cart full to the top of groceries which tells me she had been shopping for a long time and her boys had had enough). I got into the check out line behind her and the check out lady was very impatient with this mom who was trying to pay, and keep the kids out of the candy bars. This Mom was feeling very angry and defensive by the time she left the store. When I went out to my car, she was in the parking lot, the kids were jumping around in her car while she was yelling at them and trying to load the groceries. I waited until she loaded her groceries, then I went over to her, as I approached, she glared at me very defensively as if she thought I was going to scold her. I simply said "can I take your cart to the return for you, you have your hands full today". She immediately relaxed when she realized I was trying to help her. I said "I have five children, it will get easier, I promise". She thanked me with tears in her eyes. It was a small gesture on my part, but seemed to make a big difference to her.
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Emily · 455 weeks ago

Though I don't have any children of my own yet, I am the oldest of seven children and I understand the hurtful looks. My own mother is a very strong woman and she wouldn't let the looks hurt her, but as the oldest I saw them and understood what they thought. Like you, I always try to give a reassuring smile when a mom (or even a father) is leaving church or hurrying through shopping because of a screaming little one. It's always a good reminder to practice the Golden Rule and treat others as you would like to be treated.
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WrenX's avatar

WrenX · 455 weeks ago

Nicole, you are such a sweet person. I always think to myself that anyone who can't handle the sight of a crying baby (or child!) being comforted is someone who did not receive that comfort when they were children. It helps me feel sympathy with that neglected adult who is giving me a dirty look. Because surely, anyone who was nurtured as a child--or who has nurtured one themselves, understands that sometimes babies cry. What could be more beautiful than responding to that need?

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