Checking In... Anyone There?

K's artwork for her RE teacher

Hey everyone! I am just getting around to posting some photos from Easter. Sunday nights are some of the busiest nights for me with the weekend winding down, meal prepping and preparing for the upcoming school week. I don't remember why I chose Sunday nights to be my night to do blog posts. Maybe it was me sticking to my old rhythm of posting Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Then again I haven't followed that schedule in quite a long time now have I? I suppose old habits really do die hard. I seem to have it set in my mind that I can only post on the same day every week instead of sporadically. But life has become so very full that I rarely seem to post on that night anymore. Many of you have emailed telling me that you miss the way I used to post and I can tell by comments being few and far between that many have given up on me. I'm sorry if I let you down. So I though I would check in with all of you. Do you stop in to see if I post on Sunday nights? Do you think that I should just post sporadically during the week instead, when I might find more time and energy to do so? I would love to hear from you.

Checking In... Anyone There?

Do Small Things with Great Love

Some days are full of simple but immense joy. Days that remind me to shine my light and I feel like nothing could bring me down. Yet by the evening time I have forgotten all of the beauty of the day due to one thing or another. Usually something related to the weight of feeling like I am parenting alone and my words are not being heard. I end up in a pit of despair, unable to pull myself out. Trying to post about what I was feeling earlier in the day almost feels like a lie. Although sometimes that act of posting about those happier moments of the day helps me to reflect on it all and brings the joy and hope back into my heart. Soup for the soul, so to speak.

I am not going to hide it - It can be so very hard when you have full faith in the Lord and your spouse has none at all. I am trying to remind myself, on this very special day of Mother Teresa's canonization, of this saying she had on her wall in her home for children in Calcutta:

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. 

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. 

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.  

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. 

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

- Saint Teresa of Calcutta

p.s. - A little of what I was originally intending to write:
I finished up Baby F's Small Things sweater just in time for the chilly weather that suddenly appeared *happy dance*. The yarn was dyed by my kiddos and I, made from calendula/marigold and black beans. The yarn used to sew on the sweet Wooly Moss Roots buttons was some yarn we dyed just using black beans. His adorable hat is an aviatrix and was knit by my wonderful friend Natalie.

Here is what he thought of Mama taking these photos:

Do Small Things with Great Love

I Don't Do It All

A favorite photograph of mine taken in May (so, no you are not crazy for thinking Baby F looks smaller!)
 
Hey everyone! Has the thought ever crossed your mind that I seem to accomplish a lot? Well, I promise I don't! Want proof, such as my loathe of carpets and *gasp* my feelings on homeschooling? While I am at it, have I ever mentioned how creating keeps me sane?! Come join me over at my friend Bethany's blog Baking Humble Pie. I had the privilege of doing a guest post for her "I Don't Do It All" series. While you are over there check out the other posts in the series, too. I have so enjoyed reading each one of them.

Now off on some Oregon Trail adventures we go! Happy weekending, friends!

I Don't Do It All

We are a mess

I used to post more photographs of the chaos that is life in our home but I am now realizing that I haven't been doing so on a regular basis anymore. Really, not much at all since we moved here. I guess I am trying to lift my own spirits and remind my family and I of the beauty here while we lament over Oregon. Perhaps I also assumed that you all knew or remembered the behind the scenes of our home. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression and think our home is spotless or that we all get along 24/7 because boy are we a mess. And for our home - don't get me started on the dog fur literally coating every inch of this house since I wasn't able to vacuum for a couple of months being down and out. I think sharing a photograph of that might be taking it a bit too far, though.

But in  light of this realization, I thought I would share a photograph of the girls' bedroom at the moment (soon to be the children's bedroom). Actually, its been like this for weeks now while the girls sleep in our king sized bed with Kevin and Little L, my big belly and I squeeze into his twin bed (which is also in our bedroom). We planned on finishing it up and doing some major decluttering last weekend but then we hit a huge snag when one of the major pieces for the girls' new bed was missing. Now the mess sits a bit longer while we wait for our replacement part. Some days it feels like we take one step forward and two steps back around here.

Our life is all this normal messy day to day living, but is that not part of the beauty of living?

We are a mess

(un)grateful

I have been hesitant to even try posting what I am about to say as it is a sensitive topic and I am not exactly sure how to approach it, nor can I seem to articulate the emotions I am feeling. But it is something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now and I am hoping that my sharing might help others who are going through what I am. I know there are quite a few out there, some of them my own dear friends. I just want you to know you are not alone.

So here goes.

I have always envisioned myself having a large family. Five little souls seemed like a good starting point to me. As a teenager I would surround myself with children by volunteering for children's story time every week at the local bookstore near where I lived in California. I absolutely adored each and every one of those kids that would come and see me week after week. After that I had the opportunity to nanny the sweetest three year old boy for many months. I can still see him hanging on to my neck as we hiked up in the mountains, something we did almost daily (unless the beach called us instead). I treasure those memories as they helped me to realize that being a Mama was my calling.

As each one of my own children came into my life, the desire to have a large family became even stronger. My heart would grow bigger with each birth, far beyond what I thought I was ever humanly capable of and I knew it would just continue to grow. And then the gift of watching the siblings interact, quarrel (then learn and grow from the quarreling), and love one another would just expand my heart even more. I truly understood that children are a gift.

But it has been five years now since I was pregnant with Little L. The largest gap we have ever had between children. The hope and despair month after month has begun to really take it's toll on me. What if this is it for me and the path I dreamed of is not to be realized?

I feel horribly guilty about feeling sad. Who am I to be depressed over not having more babies when there are others out there who struggle to have their first and I already have three amazing blessings who fill me with endless joy everyday? I sound selfish and ungrateful, I know I do. Yet my heart still aches.

Emotional triggers seem to be everywhere for me. I am always extremely happy for others when they share the good news that they are expecting but I do admit I also get a small pain in my heart, wishing it was me. I have learned to take breaks from some of my favorite blogs (all of which are about large families) if I am feeling especially down.

My girls are constantly asking when we will have another baby. They both love doting on them so, even stranger's babies. A few weeks back K actually told me that she doesn't think it's going to happen any longer. Her grief seemed to be a reflection of my own that I hide on the inside.

I am still praying and not giving up hope but I am trying to learn to accept that this may just be God's plan for me. I am grateful.

I wanted to end with something my friend Kerrie recently said to me, "Wanting more doesn't make you ungrateful -- it just means you love being a mama."

My heart goes out to those of you hoping for a child at this time (be it your first, second or seventh!). Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,
Nicole

(un)grateful

How the government shutdown is affecting my family

*Sorry, I wish I could have thought of a better title to this post!*

I try to stay away from politics and anything controversial, but this time the politics came to me, so I have no choice but to face them head on. I am speaking of the current government shutdown.

Like many other Americans at the moment, Kevin is still required to go to work and keep his crazy hours there but he doesn't receive a paycheck. We were told that once the government is back up and running we will get back pay, which is good, but what happens in the meantime? We live pay check to pay check so taking even just one away (with the promise of back pay) prevents us from buying groceries or paying bills for the following fifteen days. As far as we know they still expect us to somehow pack up and move by the end of the month without any way to pay for it, too.
We are in a bit of a pickle, for sure, but I have faith that we will get through this. Uploading these pictures tonight made it very clear that we will get by. When I look at pictures like the ones above - how can I not feel incredibly blessed and so very rich with love?! Isn't that truly what matters most?

I know we are not alone in this. In fact, I have quite a few friends in the same predicament as us (or worse!) and it breaks my heart. I want to do anything and everything I can to help them and ease their pain. I am still trying to figure out what I can do to help out more. Some of us have been discussing potluck meals and community childcare. That seems like a good place to start.

Then I see articles like this, showing how devastating this shutdown is to already vulnerable families. I want to reach out to them and help them find the hope, courage and support they need during this hard time. What can we do to stand up for these families both local and across the country? I would love to hear your ideas and thoughts on this. What can we do to come together and help them as a community?

 Please hold these families close and keep them in your thoughts, and if you have a moment, say a prayer for them, too. Love can go so very far!

How the government shutdown is affecting my family

A heavy load (or slump part 2)

I came here tonight with a plan to post some fun things the little ones and I had been up to, but I just couldn't do it. My heart wasn't in it and that made me feel like a post of sweet, happy things would just make me a fraud. Now, I sit here staring at this computer screen when I really should be asleep. I have to say I miss having the time to type up posts in the morning. I do so much better then. For me, the morning is my most inspiring time of the day, filled with such hope and promise.

Do any of you remember this post? I just happened to come across it on Friday and ironically enough it's pretty much right where I am at the moment. Stuck in a slump; a moment I just can't get out of, yet also can't exactly determine the cause. I watch the days and weeks fly by me in a blur while I am still here melancholic and motionless.

This weekend didn't seem to make matters much better. Our house should already be on the market but each little thing we have to do takes days to complete. Our downstairs (that we planned on painting over the weekend) flooded from a rain storm, our dishwasher ceased to work, one of my children has been expressing an utter disdain towards me (and I am pretty sure I deserve it), and oh yeah, the real possibility of war in Syria could mean Kevin being sent far away from us.

If life was easy I would take it all for granted and wouldn't have the opportunity to grow. I know I will be thankful for these challenges and rough times a few days or weeks from now but oh, this moment, I just can't seem to move along.

This might be a good time to repost a story the girls and I love (from the book Zen Shorts) that I shared a couple of years ago and recite in my head when I am upset, preoccupied and unable to focus on the joy and beauty in the moment.

'A Heavy Load'

Two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn't step across without spoiling her silken robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were burdened with heavy packages, so they could not help her across.

The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carried her across the mud and set her down on the other side. She did not thank the monk, she just shoved him out of her way and scurried by him haughtily.

As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding and preoccupied. After a long time, unable to hold his silence, he finally spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn't even thank you.”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”

p.s. -While we are on a trip down memory lane, please stop by a read this post, an open letter to all of you who take the time to stop by and visit me each day. Thank you!

p.p.s. - My blog format is a bit off for some reason - anyone else having this issue with blogger?

A heavy load (or slump part 2)

Epic Failure

I have been struggling with this post for a little while now, uncertain if I should go forward with it or not. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that is my journal of sorts and I need to record this to fully digest it and learn from it.












(completely unrelated Epiphany photos)

fail·ure (flyr)

n.

1. a person or thing that is unsuccessful or disappointing

2. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends.

3. One that fails: a failure at one's career.

4. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short.

5. A cessation of proper functioning or performance.

6. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission.

7. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.

8. A decline in strength or effectiveness.

9. the act or an instance of failing

 

I love my children more than anything in this world and would do anything for them. They are my loves, my light and my blessings from above. I can't think of any better way to spend my life than investing it in my children's lives.

 

I don't expect my children to behave like miniature adults or well trained dogs. I understand that this used to be the mainstream norm, and it may still be to some, but I have never been one to conform to others standards if they do not go with what feels right in my heart, nor would I expect anyone else to conform to mine. Much to the contrary, I expect my children to behave exactly how they should - like children! Now don't get me wrong here, I believe strongly in boundaries and limitations for them, I think they need them to feel secure and grow, but I believe in parenting them gently. You might be wondering why I am stating all of this. To put it simply - I was told I was a failure at raising my children.  I know my feelings get hurt ridiculously easily but to be called a failure - well that is pretty darn harsh. I am not one to view things (or people) in life as failures but instead as hurdles to overcome or lessons to learn. Failure to me just feels like all hope is lost so what's the use in even trying? 

 

I am not trying to come across all 'Woe is me' here, please forgive me if it seems that way.

Do I think I am a great parent? NO!! I try my hardest with what I have and ask forgiveness. Do I think I know all there is to know about raising children? Good grief - NO! I think every child is different and every parent knows their personal needs best. I learn as my children grow (and seek wisdom from like minded parents and teachers).

 

Much to my dismay I let these words enter into my core and eat away at me. I talked it over with loved ones and thought I had moved past it and was on to forgiveness but I found out the very next day that I wasn't over it. The girls were starting to quarrel over something (I can't even remember what it was now) and instead of responding in a calm, gentle manner, I heard those words in my head again, became upset and yelled at my sweet K. As soon as it happened I felt a horrible pit in my stomach. Who was this person? Surely it could not have been me! I walked away to gather my thoughts and then had a heart to heart with her apologizing profusely for allowing myself to behave that way.

 

I think this hits me so hard because, in my mind, I have always felt like a failure at everything I have ever done - school, work, hobbies, you name it. It's not from anything anyone has ever said to me... I can not put it into words, as I do not completely understand it myself.  I have just never had confidence at all. I still don't. So in this dark space in the back of my head I already view myself as a complete and utter failure. Then to actually hear someone else say those words out loud - my worst fear came to life and it became the truth. Now can I snap out of it and think otherwise? Is it really the truth?!?  I look forward to being back in our haven tomorrow as school starts up again. The comfort I find just being in our school's hallways will feel even more profound and immeasurable.

I think this world of our needs more positive encouragement and love from others rather than criticism and hate. Just imagine how wonderful it could be if we all helped one another out instead of putting each other down. I hope that someday it will be this way. Let the change begin with me. To all of you reading this post:  You are a beautiful person, and a good parent (to your children, fur babies or whoever it may be). Take joy in our gift of life! No matter what the day may bring, you are loved, and the love that fills your heart radiates to all those around you.
 

p.s - Happy Epiphany!! Keep Calm Craft On will finally return tomorrow! I hope you will all still join me after my two week hiatus! I can't wait to see what you are up to!

Epic Failure